3 Steps Behind
by Jynjyr
Summary: Jack takes one chance too many. A broken Humpty-Dumpty, can all the King's horses and all the King's men and women put him back together again?
1. Chapter 1

_Three Steps Behind_

by

_Jynjyr_

A Stargate: SG-1 story

Disclaimer: These characters don't belong to me. They just invade my brain, play games with my mind and compel me to put their adventures on paper.

The Stargate universe and all of its characters belong to MGM/UA, Double Secret, Stargate Productions and Gekko Film Corporation. No copyright infringement is intended.

Thank you for letting me play in your universe.

Title: Three Steps Behind

Author: Jynjyr

Spoilers: None –minor mention of a couple of episodes

Season: Any up to season 5 (Meridian)

Rating: M

Warning: Romance (J/S), Angst, Character Death

Thanks to my Beta-reader, Norlioness. Many thanks to Dr. Mike Saridakis for information on electric shock, seizure medications and strokes. Any mistakes are mine alone.

Something you liked? Something you didn't like? Please e-mail me with any comments.

* * *

Three Steps Behind

"Hey, watcha doin?" Jack asked Sam as he leaned on the half wall between the kitchen and the living room, something cupped between his hands on the shelf.

"Watching a program about the possibility of life on other planets. It's just starting. Do you want to watch it with me?" She gestured to the other end of the couch.

"Nah. They're gonna get it wrong anyway." He started shifting his hands around; trying to keep contained whatever he had trapped between his fingers.

"What do you have there?" Sam twisted around to look up at Jack.

"I found it on the deck." He laced his fingers together, creating a little dome to cover his prize.

"What?" She got to her knees and tried to see what "it" was.

"A snake." With one quick move, he grasped the reptile gently by the back of the neck and held it up for the woman to see. "But it's a **good** snake. I don't want to hurt the good snakes, just the **bad** snakes."

The eight inch long creature twined its body around his wrist and sat quietly, tasting the air with it's flickering tongue. "See, it likes me."

"Yes, Jack. It's very nice." Sam reached over to run her finger along its side. "It's called a garter snake or a garden snake."

He looked at the gray and yellow body wrapped around his wrist, then over to the woman in front of him. "I gotta put it back outside, don't I?"

She nodded. "It really belongs in the garden with the rest of its family. It won't be happy in the house."

Jack reluctantly turned around and took the snake back outside. Sam could hear him through the screen door. "OK, little guy. Here's a nice place in the plants. Go on back home."

When he didn't come back right away, she turned her attention to the TV show. About twenty minutes later, she could hear the scrape of the wooden chair as it was tipped over to keep dew off the seat.

He came in and without thinking, she called out, "Don't forget to wash your hands."

About thirty seconds later, Sam had one highly irate Colonel standing in front of her.

Jack planted his hands on his hips and glared down at the seated woman. "I know I was never the sharpest tack in the box. And I know that most times right now I don't do so good. But you don't have to treat me like a little kid."

He stalked off before she could take a breath to speak.

"I'm going to bed," he yelled over his shoulder. "After I wash my hands." One final parting shot echoed down the hall before the resounding door slam. "OK? MOM!"

A single tear escaped as Sam squeezed her burning eyes shut. The very last thing she intended to do was make Jack feel like a kid. She desperately wanted the 'before' Jack back. The in charge, always sure of himself, highly competent Colonel who was her commander … before. Before he got his brain scrambled by the zat.

She sniffled and wiped her eyes with the hem of her tee shirt as she approached his room. She knew she had to apologize, for her own peace of mind as well as his.

"Sir?" she called softly, knocking on the closed bedroom door.

"Go away." The closet door slammed. "I'm perfectly capable of putting myself to bed. I don't need your help."

"Sir, please." She leaned her head against the cool wood.

The door swung open so quickly she stumbled a few steps into the room before catching her balance.

Still furious, Jack walked over to the side of the bed. He snapped to attention and barked, "Ready for inspection, Ma'am. Face and **hands** washed, teeth brushed. You going to check that I put my **jammies** on correctly, Ma'am?"

Every word pounded into Sam like a bullet, the final "Ma'am" the coup de grace that sent her to her knees. She'd stood up to unknown numbers of Goa'uld and figuratively spit in their faces, but couldn't look into the Colonel's hurt and angry eyes to apologize.

Huddled on the floor, trying desperately to keep from bawling like a child, Sam couldn't see Jack break from 'Attention' and begin to fidget, embarrassed by his own hostility.

Bare feet stopped at the edge of Sam's vision and she heard a distinct "pop" and a quiet hiss of pain as he squatted down in front of her. Fingers touched her shoulder for a second, and then drew back. "Carter, are you OK?"

Those four quiet words did more to undermine her control than the whole barrage that came before. She sat back on her heels and looked him squarely in the eyes, letting the tears rolled unnoticed down her face. "No, Sir. No, I'm not OK. I haven't been "OK" for months, one of these days I might be "OK" again, but right now I'm not."

A familiar expression settled on Jack's face. "What?" he asked, starting to smile.

_Man, I love it when he smiles_. "I'm sorry, Sir. I never meant to hurt you again." Rubbing the heels of her hands over her eyes, Sam glanced at the still pink scars of the zat burn that tracked through Jack's hair. "God knows I'm responsible for enough damage to start with."

"Carter, stop it." Jack said in his "that's an order" voice. "Nobody blames you, least of all me."

"But, Sir, if you hadn't stopped to cover my six, the Jaffa wouldn't have caught you. And," she hesitated and gestured toward the scars, "That…would have never happened."

"Right, I wouldn't have been captured. You would. And that would have been better, how?" He shook his head. "Nope, no more discussion on the subject."

They held their positions for a moment longer until Jack grimaced and gestured for her to get up.

Sam unfolded and stood up smoothly. Taking his still outstretched hand, she pulled him upright, wincing at the "crack" from his knee.

"Thank you, that conversation was killing me." He gently squeezed her hand between both of his, "Thanks for everything, Sam."

As he let go they both became aware that Jack's "jammies" consisted of only gym shorts.

Flustered and suddenly very warm, Sam half turned toward the door. Their words ran over each other.

"I think I'm going to go back …"

"Your "life on other planets" thingy is still on…"

She hesitated for a second in the doorway, then kept on walking down the hall. "Good night, Jack"

"Good night, Sam." As the door clicked quietly shut, she could hear, "Sleep tight."

"Don't let the bedbugs bite," she whispered. She couldn't help it as the tears started leaking again. For a little while, he was 'before' Jack. The commander and man she admired. _Hell, Samantha, admit it to yourself at least. The man you love, OK. The man you can't have._

Sam flopped down in the big chair in the living room. Leaning back into the cushions, she let them wrap around her. Wrap around her like she wanted his arms wrapped around her. Inhaling deeply, the woman realized why she slept in this chair most of the time. It smelled like him. Jack's soap, after-shave, natural scent, whatever permeated the fabric. She smiled and snuggled a little deeper.

Lord, she was glad that Daniel's rotation started the day after tomorrow. It was difficult to choose which was harder. Seeing Jack with a baby's mind when he was just starting to sort out his scrambled knowledge and memories, or now when he had rare flashes of the man he used to be mixed with the young boy the sorting process had reached. Eleven months. Eleven months to go from infant to 6 - 7 year old. Janet said he'd start to advance faster as time went on. _Right, faster. There are 40-something years of information to re-organize. How "fast" can it be?_ She closed her eyes and re-lived that disastrous day again.

* * *

P3N-582. Nice peaceful planet. Enough naquida to make it interesting, enough trinium to make it very interesting and a gate address from the Ancient's database to make it Goa'uld-free. What more could they ask for.

The Stargate stood at the end of a fan shaped valley that was bordered by a band of trees in front of sharply rising cliffs. The meadow SG-1 was walking through had grass almost knee high. While this made for a nice vista, it was a pain to push through. It was just coarse enough that, when it tangled around itself, it could snare an unwary ankle. All of them had been caught at one time or another during their five-mile trek back to the gate.

It was late afternoon and they were about a mile from the Stargate and home when a Tel'tak buzzed overhead. They hit the deck and found what little cover they could in the wide-open meadow.

"Do you think they spotted us, Jack?" Daniel asked as he tried to squirm under the spiny little shrub next to him without getting too pierced by thorns.

The Colonel looked back over his shoulder at the trampled grass that marked their path.

"If they didn't see us, they'll for sure see our trail. Split up and let's head for the trees over there," he ordered pointing toward the cliff that was about a quarter mile away. "Carter, do you see the ship?"

Major Carter was twisted around, trying to scan the sky with her binoculars. "Not yet, Sir. Maybe they were moving too fast to spot us."

Teal'c blew that faint hope out of the water. "To your right, Major Carter."

The Tel'tak grew from a pinpoint to a familiar shape as it made a leisurely sweep around the meadow and landed between SG-1 and the Stargate.

"Oh, Crap!" Jack's heartfelt curse said it all. "They'll have patrols out in a minute. Head for the trees. Teal'c, break trail."

Teal'c led the way, trampling down the grass. Daniel, Carter and finally Jack, who kept his eyes on the ship the whole way, reached the trees.

"That way, quick." The Colonel pointed with his P90.

As they started out, Daniel observed, 'But that's **away** from the Gate, Jack."

"I know Daniel, just keep moving. I'm hoping the Jaffa are expecting us to head **for** the Gate. This should buy us some time." They broke into the narrow clear space between the trees and the cliffs. Jack crowded onto Daniel's heels as he tried to push them farther away from their all too obvious entry point.

Half a mile later, Teal'c spotted an overhung pocket in the cliff face. "O'Neill," he said, swinging his staff toward the indent.

Squeezing four people into the small space was a challenge, but in short order they were all under cover. Teal'c kept watch while the others caught their breath and had a drink of water.

"OK, kids. Sunset will be in about three hours. That should make it easier to get to the Gate without being spotted." Jack edged his way out from under the low roof. "I'm going out to the tree line to see what our buddies are up to. In fifteen minutes, go up the valley to another piece of cover. If we have to, we'll do Hide-n-Seek with the Jaffa until we make our move."

Teal'c asked, "Major Carter, how does one execute this "Hide and Seek" maneuver?"

Sam pursed her lips; "Hide-n-Seek isn't really a military maneuver. It's a child's game. One person is "It" and has to close their eyes and count to 100 while everyone else hides. Then the person who's "It" has to find everyone. In this case though, we hide and those Jaffa seek to find us."

Before Teal'c could make a comment, a heavy black shadow rolled over their location and continued on.

"Sir, did you see that?" Carter was on the radio within seconds.

"The ship just left. Buzzed out of here like its butt was on fire. Hold on."

The other three exchanged confused looks.

"Looks like thirty Jaffa are sweeping up the valley. By the time they get to us, they'll be spaced out pretty far. We should be able to slip between them. Once they get past, we can head for the Gate. There's eight, uh ten, by the DHD." The radio clicked off and then on. "Don't shoot, I'm coming back."

Sam glanced at her companions. "It's worth a try."

Daniel was peering intently at the ceiling. "Sam, look at this."

She looked up at the rock face above his head. "Look at what? It's rock."

"No, from here." He scooted out of the way as Sam slid into his space.

"Well, I'll be dipped." She got her feet under herself and stood, the upper half of her body disappearing into the rock. The beam from her flashlight danced around for a few seconds. Then her feet vanished as she began climbing. "It's a chimney crack."

O'Neill ducked in and scanned the small space. "We've got to find a bigger place to hide. Let's move out," he paused, "Where's Carter?"

He jerked back as she dropped out of nowhere in front of him. "Nice trick!" he said admiringly.

"There's a chimney here that's long enough for all of us to climb, Sir. It's invisible unless you look directly up at it," she said, brushing loose dirt off her hands. "Pretty good hand and foot holds, too."

"Sounds like a plan to me, Carter. Those Jaffa are about ten minutes from making our position."

Daniel twisted around to stare up into the crack in dismay. "You want us to climb up that?"

"Oh, for crying out loud," Jack grumbled, trying to think of something familiar to an archeologist. "You've climbed around pyramids. Think of it as a vertical shaft, only lots rougher."

"I get a safety line in a pyramid," Daniel muttered, unsnapping his pack and digging for his gloves.

"Teal'c, you've done this before, yes?"

He never stopped scanning the woods and sky. "Indeed. Climbing skills are part of a young Jaffa's training."

"Carter, you're first. Then Daniel, Teal'c and me."

Major Carter quickly scrambled up as far as she could go. "Secure," she called back down.

Daniel wasn't quite as smooth a climber, but got to his place in short order. "All set. Ow, dammit. Sorry."

A couple of pebbles dropped on Teal'c who was getting in position. He handed his staff to O'Neill and smoothly ascended to his space. "I am secure."

Jack stretched up and passed Teal'c the staff weapon. The chimney wasn't quite as long as Carter thought. Jack's feet weren't far from the opening when he ran into Teal'c's boots. There was no time to shift anyone higher, though. He could just hear voices coming through the woods.

"OK, kids. Here we go. And, for God's sake Daniel, don't sneeze."

No sooner had the words left Jack's mouth than there was a muffled nasal explosion from above. "Sorry, won't happen again."

They held their locations for another twenty minutes after the searchers' voices passed.

Jack dropped and rolled out of the way for the others to exit. Holding one position for that long made his bad knee lock up and he had to force it back into working order.

Teal'c descended with one smooth motion. He caught his weapon that Daniel dropped and resumed his watch for enemies.

A shower of pebbles and another muffled sneeze heralded Daniel's appearance. "I much prefer pyramids," he said, crawling over by Jack and flopping down.

Sam tumbled out and landed sprawled face down across the two men's laps.

"Carter, are you OK?" Jack questioned as he pulled his arm out from under his 2iC.

The major made a quick risk assessment on where she could put her hands. "Excuse me, Sir," she said. Planting one hand on his upper thigh and one just below his knee, she pushed herself backwards.

"Ghaaa, Carter!" Jack half yelled as he doubled over protectively. "Give a guy some warning, would ya?"

Sam's face got red as she grimaced and apologized. "I'm sorry, Colonel. I didn't realize. I didn't hurt … anything … did I?"

He leaned back against the wall, blowing out the air he'd gulped. "No, just my leg. Thank you."

Mumbling another hasty, "Sorry, Sir," she joined Teal'c on watch.

Daniel's shoulders were shaking with poorly suppressed laughter. "Are you going to have Janet look at that when we get back?" he asked innocently.

The other man started laughing as well. "I don't think so. Now, let's get out. We've got to make tracks."

Less than half an hour later they reached the end of the trees. That left them fifty feet of clear space before the next cover.

With his spy scope, Jack studied the contingent of Jaffa guarding the Gate. A pretty slipshod group as far as he could see. Most of them were lounging on the ground talking and playing dice. Only two of them had the same tattoo and it looked like there were a few boys who didn't even have weapons. He squirmed back to the rest of the team. Handing the scope to Teal'c, he said, "Check them out, T. Does that look like regular troops to you?"

When he came back, Teal'c confirmed the Colonel's assessment. "They are not, O'Neill. They may be outcasts, deserters. Rebels would be maintaining discipline."

"So that means, what?" Jack asked. "That all they've got is the Tel'tak and what troops are on the ground?"

"Indeed. When we overcome these **vermin**, they will be unable to obtain reinforcements before we can leave through the Stargate."

"Sweet." O'Neill nodded appreciatively. "First though, we have to get from here," he said, patting the ground, "to there." He pointed to the next stand of trees.

Carter and Daniel had both been watching the Jaffa at the DHD. "I think all we need to do is run for it, Sir."

Before Jack could ask for more details, Daniel chimed in. "There are only two on patrol. They're together, walking a pretty regular path. We should be able to time it for when their backs are to us."

"You're sure you've got the pattern?" the Colonel asked them both. When they nodded, he said, "Teal'c, Daniel you go first. Keep it quiet, get inside the trees and lay low. Carter and I'll watch your backs."

Daniel kept his eyes glued to the sentries. As soon as they made their turn, he and Teal'c sprinted across the clearing, reaching the trees just as the Jaffa started walking back toward SG-1.

"Any time you're ready, folks. We got you covered," Daniel's voice whispered from the radio.

Carter's foot slipped on takeoff. She was a few feet behind Jack and he turned back to grab her arm and fling her ahead. Unfortunately, they were all so focused on the people by the DHD, no one noticed the boy coming back from answering a call of nature.

O'Neill was three steps behind Carter and safety when the kid hit him with a tackle a professional football player would envy. They flew twelve feet away before they hit the ground and instantly started wrestling for control of the P90. None of the team could take the chance of shooting the young Jaffa because the two combatants were moving around too much to take aim.

The Jaffa commander had no such scruples. As he and the others came running over, he pulled his zat and shot them both. They were half dragged over near the DHD and dropped. The Colonel's weapons were confiscated and two men stood guard over him with their staffs charged and ready to fire. This was the only fact that kept the rest of SG-1 from launching an immediate assault. Since no one was ordered into the woods to search, they cautiously moved closer to the enemy.

The boy recovered quickly and reported seeing one other Taur'i run into the woods. The commander, with unconscionable arrogance, dismissed the possibility of trouble and walked over to question his captive.

Jack hadn't moved a muscle since he'd been dropped but, nobody bought his act. He was yanked to his feet and suspended between his guards while the commander interrogated him. They were just getting into the rhythm of question – hit, question – hit, when the Tel'tak buzzed back in to land near the Stargate. Most of the others began running for the ship.

Frustrated, the Jaffa punched Jack one more time, and then grabbed his dog tags, snapping the chain. As he walked behind his captive, he tore all the patches off his jacket. Putting the trophies in the front of his armor, the commander ordered the guards to move away. Before the Colonel could catch his balance, the Jaffa drew his zat and fired point blank at the back of Jack's head. He didn't even stop to look at his victim but joined the headlong dash to the ship, which flew off as soon as he jumped on board.

O'Neill hit the ground, thrashing in the grip of a massive convulsion as the energy charge crackled through his body. The smell of burning hair and skin permeated the air. At the sound of his choking, the rest of SG-1 broke from their stunned immobility.

They had to fight to hold him down before they could help. Finally, Teal'c had to sit on his friend's stomach, pinning his arms to his sides and leaning on his shoulders.

"He's choking on his own tongue, I have to get his mouth open." Sam began to pry frantically at O'Neill's clenched teeth. "Daniel, find something soft to put between his teeth."

Daniel dumped out his pack and rummaged frantically through the mess. "Like what?"

"Anything. Hurry up. Before he… Ow! Dammit!" Sam yelled, her fingers trapped in a bite.

"Here, try this." Daniel slapped a small leather notebook into Sam's free hand and began forcing the other man's jaws open.

Sam pulled her fingers loose and, making sure the Colonel's tongue was being held up, pushed the book as far back as possible between his teeth.

Daniel let go. They heard the spine of the book crack, but Jack's mouth was held partially open. The air wheezed in and out as he began to breathe again.

A few more spasms tore through his body, and then he went totally limp.

Sam smeared her own blood on his neck as she checked for a pulse with her bitten fingers. "Weak, but there," she assured her teammates.

Daniel was already dialing the Gate.


	2. Chapter 2

"Don't let the bed bugs bite," Jack whispered to the inside of his bedroom door. He ran his hands up and down the smooth wood, resting his ear against the panel and listening to the squeak of Sam walking along the hall. Walking away from him, again. Sometimes he could almost remember why. Sometimes he could almost remember who he was, or rather, who he was supposed to be. Twisting around, he planted his back against the door. Slowly his knees sagged and he slid down to sit hunched over on the carpet. For a couple of minutes tonight he felt **right**, like that was the man he really was. To call her "Carter" and feel like she respected him as an equal. As a man. Not a little boy trapped in a man's body.

"Don't forget to wash your hands." She was right to remind him. He was already reaching for the refrigerator to grab a snack when she said it. Like a little kid.

He punched his fists into the sides of his head. Why couldn't he remember? Dr. Fraiser told him it was all still there. Everything he knew, all his memories were still inside his brain. He just had to pick them up and put them in order again, like a big puzzle. But there were too many pieces and he didn't have a picture of what the puzzle should look like, so how could he put it together? He could feel his eyes start to smart with tears of frustration.

When the first warm drops splashed on his bare legs he got mad. Jumping up, he went into his bathroom and stared at the face in the mirror. An unruly shock of graying hair fell over his forehead; he had little wrinkles at the corners of his brown eyes. "You need a shave, for crying out loud. You're a grown man. Grown men don't cry."

He touched his reflection, tracing the tears running down his cheeks. "Grown men don't cry," he whispered mournfully.

Eventually, Jack washed his face again and went to bed. He laid there and, like too many nights, re-hashed embarrassing incidents of the last few months.

* * *

Daniel had to go to the museum to get something for work and took him along. They were going to see the mummies and other cool stuff when Daniel was done with his friend. There were airplanes hanging in the big hall and he wanted to wait out there and look at the planes. But he wandered away and got lost. The little girl was just being nice and taking him back where he was supposed to be. Her mom didn't have to start screaming at him. And the policemen hurt him when they pushed him down on the floor. They were trying to take him away and he was yelling over and over for Daniel.

He didn't want to go out again for weeks.

* * *

Teal'c took him to the park to see the kite festival. That was neat. Some really pretty kites jumping all over the sky. They stayed all day and even got dinner from the hot dog guy. Teal'c was getting ice cream while they were waiting for the band concert to start when this little boy ran up yelling, "Colonel Jack, Colonel Jack. Hi!"

The boy jumped right at him. Jack had to catch him or he would fall. He was trying to make the child let go, so he wouldn't get in trouble again. The youngster took Jack's baseball cap and started waving it and hollering for his mom and dad. "I found Colonel Jack, Mom. I told you he'd be back, didn't I?"

Jack was prying the boy's arms from around his neck as the parents came over. "I didn't do anything, honest. He just jumped on me. I didn't do anything," wildly, he tried to explain.

The lady looked at him funny and made her son get down and stand behind her. Jack glanced around for the policemen that would try to hurt him again. Teal'c's comforting voice and strong arm on his shoulder calmed him down. He sat on the picnic table while Teal'c talked.

The little boy came over and stood in front of him. "Colonel Jack," he said quietly, "I'm Billy. Don't you remember? Are you sick or something?"

Jack shook his head. Finally he looked at the boy. "I got hurt," he said, brushing his hand over the short scruff of hair that couldn't hide his scars.

Silently Billy handed back the baseball cap and watched while his friend tugged it down tight. When his Mom told him they were leaving, he solemnly held out his hand for Jack to shake. "Bye, Colonel Jack. I hope you get better soon."

They didn't stay for the concert.

* * *

He went grocery shopping with Sam and got to push the cart up and down the aisles. He didn't even hit anything with it. Well, almost nothing. But that lady swooshed around the corner and banged into him. She gave him a hug and a kiss and looked real happy to see him. Until Sam came back, then she didn't look so happy.

Sam asked him to pick out what cereal he wanted for breakfast while she talked to Sara. He looked for a long time at all the boxes; trying to remember what kind they gave him in the hospital. Those were good. Finally he picked out three that looked kinda right and brought them back to Sam.

"You want all three of these, Jack?" she asked. "They're almost all the same."

"No. Just one. Which one's," he hesitated, trying to get the name right, "Froot Loops?"

Sara shook her head and laughed, "No matter what, you'll never forget the Froot Loops, will you, Jack?"

"I like 'em. Lots," he answered, shrugging his shoulders. He took the other cereal boxes back to the shelves. When he came back, Sam and Sara were still talking. Picking up his box of cereal, he traced a finger over the letters trying to make them mean something. He knew they should mean something.

"Jack." Sam touched his hand to get his attention. "Sara is going to have dinner with us tonight. Is that OK with you?"

"Sure." He leaned over near Sam to say softly, "I remember I liked Sara."

"Yes, Jack. You liked Sara a lot," Sam answered just as softly.

Sara gave him another hug before she left.

Dinner was fun. They had hamburgers on the grill and Sam let him help cook. Sara brought a pumpkin pie for dessert. She said it was one of his favorite pies. He had two pieces with whipped cream.

Sam and Sara were still talking when he went to bed. He was just falling asleep when the first rumbles of thunder started. It was always Daniel or Teal'c with him before when it stormed. And, for some reason, he didn't want Sara or Sam to know that the thunder and lightning scared him. He tried to stay in his bedroom. Finally he couldn't take it any more. Snatching up his pillow and blanket, he balled them up together and snuck out. He was turning the handle on the walk-in closet in the hall, his hidey-hole from storms, when he heard Sam.

"Jack, what's wrong?"

He didn't want to turn around. He didn't want them to see how scared he was. He never used to be scared … before.

The next flash of lighting was followed immediately by crack of thunder so loud the windows rattled. He jerked open the door and dove to the back of the closet, where he curled up on his side and buried his head under the pillow.

That was how Sam found him, in as tight a ball as a 6'2" man could get. He could hear her talking to him, but nothing made sense. _Didn't she know enough to take cover? Oh God, here comes another one._ He grabbed Sam by the arm and pulled her into his hole. "Incoming," he yelled into her ear. She put her head next to his as the bomb exploded over them. Then she pulled loose and left him. Two more shells exploded. _Don't get killed, Sam. Please don't get killed. I never said, "I love you" to your face._ Suddenly, she was back. She stayed with him this time, safe in his hole until the bombing lifted.

Jack's eyes snapped open as he jerked awake. He sat on the side of the bed rubbing his shaking hands over his face. "Bombs," he muttered. "I'm remembering bombs. No, not bombs – mortars. They're called mortars."

He spent the rest of the night trying to find the pieces of the puzzle that would tell him where and why someone was shooting mortars at him.

* * *

Jack's calendar told him that today was "Doctor Day". There were three faces drawn on the space. A smiley face for Dr. Fraiser, a devil's face for Dr. MacKenzie, and a grumpy face for Dr. Velkhir.

Jack finished his shower and was standing at the sink shaving when he looked at his reflection and started to laugh. He didn't have to remember how to shave, no one had to teach him again, he just picked up the razor and knew. It's strange to find out the things you do without thinking.

When he walked into the kitchen Daniel was leaning over the sink munching on a donut. Jack joined him there, taking a jelly filled one from the box. They were just standing there, looking out the window, eating donuts and trying to catch the jelly as it gooshed out.

"My God, it is a 'guy' thing isn't it?" Sam started laughing when the two men turned around and had almost identical jelly smears on their chins.

"Hey, at least the jelly ended up in the sink, not on the floor," retorted Daniel. He snatched a couple of paper napkins off the table before he turned back to his breakfast.

Sam came over and put a hand on each man's shoulder. "Have a good day, guys. I'll see you at dinner."

They waved their donuts at her as she left, still laughing.

"Jack, you want some milk?" Daniel asked, pulling open the refrigerator with his one clean hand.

"No. Can I have a beer?"

"Nooo. Doc says you can't have any beer, besides it doesn't go with donuts. Do you want some milk?

"Coffee?"

Daniel glanced at the clock. "No time. We can get some at the bookstore though."

"Deal." Jack quickly washed the chocolate and jelly off his hands and face and waited for Daniel to do the same.

They hopped in Jack's truck. On Doctor Day, the truck, with its base clearance sticker on the window, got them through the gates a lot faster than Daniel trying to explain at each guardhouse who they were, why they needed to be there and who they were seeing.

* * *

Daniel had to smile as Jack held the door to the store open and bowed as he waved him through.

"You're in a good mood." He teased Jack a little, "I'll bet its because you get to see Dr. Fraiser and all the pretty nurses today."

"No, that's not it." Jack teased his friend right back. "I know why you're in a good mood today. You get to have lunch with Dr. Fraiser, that's why?"

Jack started over to where he knew the airplane books were. "I'm happy because I'm gonna read today."

Daniel snagged his sleeve before he got too far, "Whoa, cool your jets there, flyboy. I never said you would, for sure, be able to read today. I said that I'd start to teach you to read today."

Jack tapped the side of his own head. "It's all up here already, I just have to pick up the pieces. That's what everybody keeps telling me. We're going to pick up the pieces and I am going to read today."

"I just don't want you to be disappointed if it doesn't happen, that's all." He pointed at the coffee bar at the other side of the store. "Let's get coffee first."

Jack asked the girl behind the counter, "What do you have that's really good?"

She looked at Daniel questioningly; usually he did the ordering. He just waved a hand at Jack and smiled.

For about ten minutes, the two of them discussed the merits of the various coffees available today while Daniel looked on.

_Amazing. Coffee wasn't something he even cared about before. Now he can talk about it and really know what he's talking about. But, pick another subject and he's back to a child again. That must be hell to deal with._

Jack got his coffee, took a sip and gave the girl a big grin and a 'thumbs up'. "You've got to try this Daniel."

The aroma alone was enough to pique his interest. "I guess I'll have the same, Jenny."

She handed him his coffee and rang up the sale. "$3.27, Dr. Jackson"

Daniel dug some bills out of his pocket and pulled off a $5.00.

"Wait." Jack caught the bill. "Show me."

Daniel looked at the line forming behind them. "Let me pay for it so Jenny can help these other people. We'll go over there and I'll show what I did. OK?"

At the table, Daniel took the bills and coins out of his pocket and, laying them out, he explained. "This is a penny or a cent. This is a nickel, five cents. A dime, ten cents. A quarter, twenty-five cents. A dollar is one hundred cents."

"Right." Jack zipped the five out of the other man's hand and put it next to the dollar. "This is five of those." He shrugged, explaining, "Pieces."

Daniel wrote on a napkin. Three-point-two-seven. "When we write money, everything to the right of the point is less than a dollar, everything to the left is more. What would you give me if the register showed this?"

Jack picked up coins and bills, mumbling as he counted, "Twenty-five, and two pennies is twenty-seven. We don't have three dollars but, five is more than three, so."

He handed Daniel $5.27. "And I should get two dollars back, right?"

At his friend's surprised look, Jack tapped the side of his own head. "Some of the pieces, Daniel. Just some of the pieces."

They bought three books that day. Big surprise, all on aircraft. Daniel insisted on the "kiddy book" as Jack called it. A first grade reader. Jack picked out one from the young adult section on racing planes and one on the history of flight.

"Oh man, I don't have this one yet," he said, hefting the heavy volume.

"Are you sure?" Daniel asked, skeptically.

He pointed to half a dozen different planes on the cover. "My book doesn't have these."

As they approached the checkout, Daniel stopped. "Here, take this," he said, handing Jack a wallet. "It's your wallet, your money and your books. I'll wait here. I know you can handle it," he said encouragingly, casually leaning against the railing that separated the register area from the store.

Jack walked up to the counter and plopped the books down. "Hi, John. I'd like these two, please. Not this one."

"All of them, Jack," Daniel said, without turning around.

"All of them, Jack," he mimicked then grumbled under his breath, "Stupid kiddy book."

"That'll be $46.38 today, Colonel," John stated, formally.

Daniel turned partially around, watching, knowing there was only $45.00 in the wallet and wanting to see how his friend would handle it.

Jack counted out a twenty, two tens and a five. "Wait for it," he held up a finger as he dug in his pocket. He laid a yo-yo on the desk and dug in again.

"This should do it." He put a crumpled dollar, a quarter and two dimes on top of the money already there.

"Seven cents is your change. Thank you and have a nice day, Colonel." The clerk handed Jack the heavy bag.

"Thank you, John." He started to walk away.

"Hey, Jack." John tossed the yo-yo as the other man turned around. "Catch."

"Oops. Thanks, John." He snatched it out of the air one handed and tucked it back in his pocket.

Another advantage in taking Jack's truck to the base was they got to use "officer's parking" and since, by unspoken rule, lower ranks parked farther away they always got a good space.

They both walked into the medical center carrying books. Jack with the book on racing planes; he refused to take the "kiddy" book, and Daniel with one on Ancient China.

"Do you want me to wait with you?" He asked at the door to Janet's office.

"Oh for crying out loud, it's not like I'm going to get lost. It's right here," Jack exclaimed indignantly. "Gloria walks with me to Dr. MacKenzie, and Dr. Velkhir is next door. I know the routine by now."

"Sorry, sorry. Just thought I'd ask." Daniel held up a hand to forestall the barrage. "Last time you wanted me to stay."

"Well, that was last time." He made 'shooing' motions with his free hand as he pushed the office door open. "I'll wait for you outside Dr. Velkhir's office."

Daniel managed to grab one of the few real armchairs in the atrium, the couches just weren't meant for people to sit on for hours. And this would take hours. Janet first, for about an hour. Dr. MacKenzie took an hour. Dr. Velkhir usually took over two hours. That's why they did "Doctor Day", get it over with for another two weeks.

Daniel pulled a small leather journal out of his back pocket before he sat down. It was pretty beat up. The spine was crushed in two places, the brown cover had some smears of blood on it, and there were teeth marks on both sides that imprinted most of the pages. His mission journal from P3N-582. A mission that didn't end when they came back through the Gate. He started skipping through the entries.

* * *

19 October

I hope we make it home early today. Tomorrow's Jack's birthday and I forgot to get a cake. Again. Sam's going to be SO pissed.

20 October

It's just after mid-night here. Happy Birthday, Jack. Here we sit, in the infirmary, watching the monitors beep. Janet keeps checking your EEG and looking worried. She won't tell us anything.

Sam sits there like a block of stone. She hasn't moved from that chair in five hours, she won't talk to anyone, she won't eat or drink anything, and she barely let the nurse treat her fingers. Our de-briefing is at 0700. I hope she shows up.

Janet is throwing us out. Something about more tests. I hope you can hear us. I hope you're still there.

16 November

Janet looks pretty grim. It's been almost a month and Jack hasn't regained consciousness. The doctors don't know what the EEG is telling them. Only that he's not brain dead. At least they found a drug to stop the seizures.

24 November

Happy Thanksgiving. We've finally got something to be thankful about. Jack opened his eyes today. That's a good sign, I guess. He tracked the penlight, but that was it.

5 December

He was sitting up in bed this morning. He looked at us when we came in, and once in while when we talked. Most of the time he played with the cereal on his tray. Froot Loops – Janet's doing I suspect. Sam couldn't stop crying on the way home and I have to admit, I wasn't far behind.

9 December

Well, the doctors finally came to a conclusion. Why do they have to compare everything to a computer? They say Jack's 'hard drive' has been 'fragmented'. The information is all there, just not in any order. And the only cure is time. Jack has to re-associate every bit with every other bit and put them in order. We can help by talking to him, being with him, teaching him, and reminding him.

Even Teal'c didn't know a zat would do that. I guess no one's ever got shot at that close a range and lived long enough to find out.

I'm worried about Sam, too. She looks like hell. I found her sleeping in her lab this morning. She was having a nightmare. When I woke her up, she almost hit me.

25 December

Merry Christmas. We're spending the day at the hospital with Jack. The past few years we've spent Christmas Day together. I don't have much holiday spirit this year. Looking for the perfect silly gift for Jack at Christmastime was always fun, but this year, it doesn't seem appropriate.

Sam brought a tiny tree, complete with miniature lights and ornaments. Jack couldn't take his eyes off it. After lunch, we walked over to the atrium and showed him the big tree. Teal'c wheeled him around it for over an hour. They kept stopping to talk about the ornaments. Teal'c talked; Jack – made noise.

16 January

Hammond is sending us off world again. SG-1 with some greenie lieutenant as our fourth. When did I start talking like a soldier? Sam has her first command. I think she'd rather die than get a command this way. Especially SG-1. We'll be gone for three days. Jack's going to think we abandoned him.

20 January

I got home way too late last night to go to the hospital. When I went in this morning before breakfast, he was curled up with the blanket pulled over his head, crying. Nurses said he'd been like that for two days. I had to convince him he couldn't sit in my lap. We got an extra mattress and put it on the floor to sit on. He finally fell asleep leaning against me. Sam almost blew a gasket when she realized how it went.

21 January

Well, we may be going off world again. Just not all at once. Hammond decided to keep at least one of us here to see Jack every day. Dr. MacKenzie, of all people, recommended it. So, now we're "mission specialists".

27 January

Jack said "Hi" and called us by name today. I don't think he really knows us though, just what to call us. We went for a walk and he wanted to know names for everything. Progress?

31 January

All the bandages came off today. They say with time, no one will be able to see the scars. They look like red worms crawling over his head and neck. There's only a couple on his forehead and cheeks. When his hair grows out, it'll cover most of them. He wanted Teal'c's hat. I told him I'd bring him one tomorrow.

24 February

He put together some sentences today. The nurse said he practiced all morning. God, it hurt to see him struggle to find the words. I go off world tomorrow for a week. Sam's going to make entries.

26 February (S.C.)

A local garden club was turning the glass domed atrium into an indoor garden for a spring exhibit they hold here. T decided it would be good to take Jack over there. Give him some more words. Boy, was that a mistake. First, he wanted to 'help' everyone then decided it would be more fun to hide from us. The only difference between Jack and a two year old toddler; the toddler is easier to catch. We had to chase him around the atrium. It was actually kind of fun. Jack gave me a hug and kiss when we left. T just got the hug.

28 February (S.C.)

Teal'c had to go off world today. He's the spokesman for the rebel Jaffa at a meeting of the Alliance. Maj. Davis is Earth's; it should be Jack. Rained all day today. We sat and colored. I haven't done that for ages. Jack drew a purple dog. I wonder if he remembers Merrin of Orban and her purple dog.

2 March (JF)

Sam's in no shape to write today. The Colonel had a massive seizure last night, cause unknown. He's on a respirator. We don't know if he's going to make it. I left a message for Daniel & Teal'c to get here ASAP.

3 March

This is not good at all. Three seizures today and two more this evening. I think we're losing him.

7 March

Thank God, that's over. I've never seen Sam so broken up. She blames herself for everything that happened. Good news is: they found out why the seizures. Some asshole house doctor decided generic drugs were just as good and changed Jack's orders. NOT!!! He's been back on the 'real' drugs for three days. Seizures finally stopped. Bad news is: we wait to see what damage they caused.

16 March

Jack was awake when we came today. He doesn't realize any time passed. Crying is contagious. Only this time I started first. I swear I saw Teal'c wipe away a tear, too.

9 April

Brought some of Jack's clothes today. I didn't know one man could have so many weird shirts. He dressed himself. Even got his shoes on the right feet. He wants to grow his hair and they keep cutting it short. Maybe in a few weeks when the last burn spot on the back of his head heals up.

5 May

Jack can go home in a few days. He'll need someone with him constantly. His mental age is about 3-4 right now. Sam, Teal'c and I will take turns living at his house for a week at a time. Doc says that's the best place for him. Familiar surroundings and familiar people for a while.

22 May

He almost got arrested today. Some lady freaked when she saw her little girl walking with him. The cops had him cuffed and on the ground. I could hear him screaming for me from the opposite end of the museum. I shouldn't have left him alone. S, T, & J are going to kill me.

26 June

Finally convinced him to go out of the yard again with **me**. We went to the bookstore. He stuck to me like glue. Almost couldn't get him in the mall, until I told him there was a model airplane show there. He remembers planes all right. He could tell me the names of almost all of them. He's a quick study. Learned (remembered?) and recited the addition tables in only two tries. Can't seem to grasp the alphabet though.

4 July

God damn it, we should have seen this coming. The firecrackers sent him into a screaming fit this morning. Stupid neighbors down the street set off M80's at dawn. The idiots shouldn't even have them. Teal'c called me to help get him calmed down. We had to take him to the SGC. Inside the mountain was the only place he couldn't hear them. Janet gave him a shot and Teal'c is with him now.

2 August

Kinsey was on base for some reason. Said he wanted to visit Jack, too. Teal'c and I had a little conversation with him in the parking lot. Disemboweling figured prominently.

Daniel flipped forward to the next blank page.

14 September

He surprised me this morning. Caught on to the math of money in one try. Even figured his change. I made him buy his own books. I thought he'd get flustered when he found he didn't have enough. Sam must have given him some money though. He's awfully quick with some things. Let's see how he does with reading. He's says he'll get it in one day.

* * *

"Doctor Jackson?" a quiet voice interrupted his thoughts.

He looked up, a little startled. "Gloria? What's wrong? Something with Jack?"

"No, no. Nothing like that. He's with Dr. MacKenzie right now." Janet's nurse shook her head. "Dr. Fraiser asked me to give you a message on my way back. She had an emergency come in and won't be available for lunch today. She said she'd see you tomorrow."

Daniel was more than a little disappointed. Lunch with Janet, outside of the mountain, was a high point in his week. "Thanks, Gloria."

"You're welcome, Dr. Jackson." She called back over her shoulder, "See you again in two weeks."

"Damn," he muttered, "Now I have to kill three hours instead of only two." He couldn't go anywhere off the base, Jack's ID was required to get on or off base with the truck. Leaving the book about Ancient China on the seat of the chair, he walked over and laid his fingertips on the windowpane. Even shaded from the direct sun, the glass was warm. Desert heat he didn't mind but, when temperature and humidity were both in the 90's, air conditioning was very nice. Reclaiming the chair and his book, Daniel decided to stay in the cool and quiet to read. Or take a nap.

"Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep." The alarm on his watch snapped him awake. 4:00pm. "Doctor Day" was over for another two weeks. He stood, stretching his stiff back before gathering up his possessions to go get Jack.

They met about halfway. Daniel put his arm on his friend's shoulder and asked, "So, how did it go today? Everything OK?"

Jack threw his hands in the air. "I don't know. Dr. Fraiser says I'm doing good, Dr. MacKenzie says I'm doing good, Dr. Velkhir is just grumpy as usual."

He slipped out from under Daniel's arm and continued surlily, "You guys know more than I do anyway. They actually **talk** to you. Janet's the only one who really tries to explain anything to me."

Daniel made a mental note to talk to MacKenzie and Velkhir about the issue. "You know, if it makes you feel any better, I don't understand half of what they tell me either. They're not real good at explaining."

"Dammit." Jack reversed direction so fast he almost ran over Daniel. "Wait here. I left my book in Velkhir's office."

Conditioned response to the Colonel's "command" voice made him freeze for a couple of seconds. "I'll … wait … here. I guess," he said to the empty corridor.

Fifteen minutes later, Jack wasn't back yet. It shouldn't take that long to go around the corner and down the hall and pick up a book.

_I will be SO dead if I screwed up again_. He hurried around he corner, almost getting knocked on his butt by the other man coming out of the restroom.

"Do you mind? I do know how to do this myself."

"I know you do. And so do I." Daniel ducked through the door. "Pardon me." _Oh, brilliant save Doctor, brilliant save. Could you have been more obvious?_

It was a very quiet ride home. Daniel couldn't even get his friend interested in planning the cookout they were going to have on Sunday.

"Leave me alone," Jack growled, staring out the window at the passing cars.

"What's the matter? I thought you were looking forward to having everyone over?"

"I'm not having a party, you're having a party. I'm just going to be there."

"No. **We** are having a cookout. You and me"

Jack turned sideways in the seat and put his forehead on the window. "Leave me alone. My head hurts, I'm tired and I just want to go to sleep."

"Forever," he breathed, fogging the glass for a second.

"Jack, you awake?" Daniel looked over at his passenger. "We're home."

With a heavy sigh, Jack unsnapped his seat belt and slid out of the truck, leaving the bag of books in the back seat. After they got in the house, still without a word, he started for his room.

Daniel, who went back out to bring in the books, entered a minute later. "Want something for your headache?"

"I guess."

"C'mon, we'll get you fixed up." They went down the hall to the guest bathroom where they kept Jack's medications.

He leaned on the doorframe while Daniel found the right bottle and shook two pills out. "Here you go. These should help."

The two men stopped in the kitchen for something to drink. "Do you want a snack? It's a couple of hours till supper."

Jack just shrugged and walked away.

"Do you want me to wake you for supper?" He pulled open the refrigerator and checked the contents. "It looks like we're having barbecued chicken?" he called.

"Whatever. I don't care." The bedroom door clicked quietly on the last word.

Sam arrived as Daniel was chopping vegetables for the salad. Tossing her purse on the couch, she joined him in the supper preparations. She was standing at the sink, scrubbing potatoes when it struck her. This was usually Jack's job. "Are we missing somebody?"

"I guess it was a rough day. He had a headache and wanted to lie down for while. This morning he was all excited about reading lessons. On the way home, I couldn't even get him to talk about the cookout on Sunday."

"He's been looking forward to that for weeks. What happened?

"MacKenzie and Velkhir are being their usual supercilious selves, I suspect. He complained that they never explain anything to him. I'll give them a call on Monday."

Daniel went out to light the grill, while Sam started the potatoes in the microwave.

As she joined him on the deck, he asked, "What do you have planned for next week?"

They pulled a couple of chairs around so they could look out over the yard.

"I'm scheduled to go to P4N-349. SG-16 is working on what appears to be a crashed space ship. The Tok'ra don't recognize the design. We found traces of naquida near the exhaust ports and there are some faint energy readings but, we can't get into the ship. It looks like it pancaked in with the hatches underneath."

Daniel sat up and exclaimed, "I saw some digital images of the markings they found on the outside. It's not like any script I've ever seen. Send me whatever else you find."

"General Hammond said that if we manage to get in, you'll most likely be spending time there, too. It's only been there a few hundred years. Chances are the race that built it is still out there somewhere."

The timer on the microwave signaled and they went back to fixing supper. Forty-five minutes later everything was ready.

"I'll go see if he wants to eat." Daniel walked down the hall to the master bedroom. Tapping gently on the door, he said softly, "Jack? You awake? Supper's ready. You want some?"

When there was no response, he pushed the door open a little and stuck his head in. Jack, fully dressed, was sprawled on the bed, face down. A rhythmic, droning buzz was Daniel's only answer.

"Guess not." He backed out and returned to the kitchen. "Out like a light," he told Sam.

The two of them finished supper and were cleaning up when they heard water running in the master bath.

"Jack's awake," Sam observed. "Can you find out if he wants something to eat before it gets too cold?"

Seeing Daniel's quizzical expression, she explained, "We had a little … discussion last night. He thinks I'm "mothering" him."

"Ah. And you hope he'll take it better from me."

Sam smiled sheepishly.

* * *

Jack heard the tapping on his door and Daniel's voice. "Jack? You awake? Supper's ready. You want some?" He could tell when the door opened and concentrated on breathing slowly and deeply like he was asleep.

"Guess not." Daniel closed the door.

At the sound of the latch's click, Jack rolled over onto his back and resumed staring at the ceiling. He wasn't really tired; not tired from lack of sleep at least. Tired of beating his scrambled head against a proverbial wall, maybe. He thought it would have been better if whatever messed up his brain had finished him off.

That day was a memory they said might never totally come back. All he had was pain. Pain and choking and the salty taste of blood. For an unknown time after that, there was nothing but the lightning flashes. Finally, he heard sounds that he couldn't understand and saw faces he couldn't recognize. Faces that looked at him and cried. Faces that he finally put names to, but he didn't know them. Not like he should. Janet, George, Daniel, Teal'c, Sam. He felt like there was so much more to their friendship. But, the details were locked away in scattered pieces of his personal puzzle. And like Humpty Dumpty, "all the King's horses and all the King's men" wouldn't be able to put him back together again.

Dr. Velkhir said it flat out today. "He'll never get past the intelligence level of a ten year old, maybe twelve if he pushes."

Of course, the doctor didn't say it to him. Why would the doctor talk to him? Dr. Velkhir was talking to Dr. MacKenzie. They were in Dr. Velkhir's office when he came looking for his book. He could remember every word.

"Hi, Mac. Come on in, have a seat." Velkhir actually sounded cheerful for a change. "What's new in your world?"

"Not much, Al." MacKenzie yawned. "Just thought I'd come over and see how you thought our star patient was doing."

"Star patient?"

"You know. O'Neill. The guy who got zatted."

"Colonel O'Neill. Yeah, that's a sad case. I didn't know him before, but I understand he was a sharp cookie. Even if he did camouflage his intelligence." Velkhir had real regret in his voice.

"Pretty good smoke screen. Everyone always under estimated him." A chair scraped as one of the doctors moved. "He seems to be coping all right. A little depressed but, who wouldn't be. From what the rest of his team tell me, he's impatient to re-learn all he can."

"I know there's never been a case exactly like his but, in situations of severe electric shock, the victim's IQ gets dropped quite a bit."

"C'mon, Al. Those are cases where there's been visible damage to the brain itself. His MRI's and C-T scans show normal brain tissue."

"I'm sorry, Mac. I call 'em like I see 'em. He'll never get past the intelligence level of a ten year old, maybe twelve if he pushes."

Jack didn't hear anymore of the discussion. His ears started ringing and his vision narrowed down to a tiny circle. He was leaning over a sink coughing and gagging. Eventually, it was over. He cleaned out the sink, rinsed out his mouth and washed his face but, he couldn't stop shaking. He ended up sitting on the floor with his arms wrapped around his legs and his head on his knees.

Lying on his bed at home, he started shaking again. He rolled onto his side, pulling himself into a ball until the tremors stopped.

_Ten years old. Even if I can remember some of the things I used to do, people I used to know, the person I used to be, I'll never be him again. I'll always be a little kid that needs looking out for._

An image flared in his mind; a body of boy of about eight or ten laying face down on the floor in a puddle of blood with a gun next to him. Then he saw a hand he knew, his own hand, holding the same gun. His thumb was rubbing over the grip and his index finger was on the trigger, waiting for the impulse to pull it that fraction of an inch that would make everything go away.

_Is that really who I am? Every piece of the puzzle so far has been weapons, pain, blood and death. I know there has to be something good, something happy. I have pictures from 'before'. There are kids playing and I was there, laughing. Why doesn't any of that come back?_

He looked over at the "memory board" as his friends called it. It was a big cork bulletin board covered with photographs. Each one had a little label stuck on it, not that he could read them. They were supposed to help him put together his puzzle. He sighed and went over to study them. Every night he sat and stared at all the faces and places but nothing new came back.

Deep inside, he was convinced that there was so much more of his life that would never be seen in pictures. It was too ugly, too dark. Times and places no one could help him re-capture because almost everyone who knew about them was dead. Those memories would be better left lost.

Jack started at the beginning again. _OK, a man, a lady, three kids. I'm the middle one._

High school graduation. _Man, I looked like a hippie back then. How would anyone know that was me?_

He smiled at the next couple of images. "Those must have been fun times."

Jack could see the resemblance to himself in the young man wearing the red ski outfit. The spray of snow from his skis still drifted in the air as he pulled his goggles off and grinned at the camera.

The following one was after a hockey game. He was wearing a blue jersey with a red and white stripe and the number seven on the sleeve. His helmet was hanging on the end of the hockey stick over his shoulder and his hair was soaked with sweat but, all you saw was the ear-to-ear smile. Jack felt his lips curve up just looking at it. There were half a dozen pictures of that young man, all with a broad grin.

Abruptly the pictures changed. The shaggy hair was gone; he was few years older and had a few more lines in his face. In these, almost everyone was in uniform. They smiled for the camera, but not the wide-open, carefree smiles from before.

"Sara." That face he remembered. The picture was a wedding, evidently his wedding. He was in his fancy blue uniform and Sara was in a white gown. _If you're my wife, why aren't you here? What happened?_

A stab of pain lanced through him as, in a later shot, he saw a boy standing between him and Sara. Something bad, very bad happened. That's why Sara and that boy weren't here.

Jack spun around, turning his back on the memories for the first time. He didn't want to know how those pieces fit. Sick to his stomach, he ran to the bathroom and bent over the sink. There was hardly anything left to lose, but lose it he did. For the second time that day, Jack found himself trying to get that foul taste out of his mouth.

He was drying his face when it struck him; the running water would tell his 'baby sitters' that he was awake.

"Can I come in?" It was Daniel knocking on his door.

"It's open."

Jack stood by the dresser, flipping through a National Geographic.

Daniel sat on the end of the bed. "Feeling any better."

"No." He didn't even look up.

"Do you want something to eat?"

"No." He growled.

"Are you sure? It was really good?"

The colonel slammed the magazine down with a bang. "Dammit, Daniel. I'm not two years old. I can tell if I'm hungry."

Swinging around, he loomed over the younger man. "Can't you understand? I want to be left alone. Now, will you please GET OUT!"

Jack stalked over to the window and stared out at the back yard. He felt his hands shaking where they were clasped behind his back.

The bed squeaked a little as Daniel got up. "Fine," he snapped, "I'm leaving."

"Fine, you do that." Jack snapped back.

The door didn't exactly slam as the younger man left.

Jack flinched at the noise like he'd been shot. After a couple of minutes, his whole body drooped and he began to lightly thump his head against the window frame. "You are such an ass hole, do you know that?"

Daniel's car hadn't left yet. He could still catch him. Approaching the kitchen, he heard Sam and Daniel talking.

"… had the same discussion last night. It must be aggravating as hell to him."

"This is hard on all of us not just …" he paused as the older man entered, "Jack?"

The Colonel felt more bravado facing down squads of enemies than he felt right now. He stood between his friends and put a hand on each of their shoulders. "Sam. Daniel. I've been a jerk, especially the past two days. And I just wanted you to know … I … I … I'm sorry."

He took Sam's hands in his, drawing her to her feet. "Thank you for everything, Sam." He put his arms around her and hugged her. They stood, arms wrapped tightly, rocking gently from side to side for almost a minute. As Jack let go he breathed, "God, I love you, Samantha." He kissed her softly and let her sink back into the chair.

Turning to Daniel, he cocked an eyebrow. "Daniel?"

Standing slowly, the other man asked warily, "Jaaack?"

They stood, facing each other seriously. Then Jack grinned. "No kiss?" he joked.

Daniel started to laugh. "Nah, I don't think so."

Still laughing the two friends embraced. "Thank you, Daniel. Thank you for everything." They both had tears threatening when they broke apart.

After a few sniffles all around, Daniel cleared his throat and commented, "We never did do any reading today. How about tomorrow afternoon?"

"Sure, Daniel. That sounds fine. Good night." Jack sauntered down the hall, whistling.

Once the bedroom door was shut, the whistling chopped off. There would be no tomorrow afternoon, not for him. Jack sat on the bed, leaning over with his head in his hands.

_I wish I could let them all know how thankful I was to know them. Most people leave a note. Most people can read and write; I can't. What's the point? So I can help my 'baby sitters' grocery shop. So I can read the Sunday funnies. Big deal. It'll be better this way. They can get on with their lives, their careers. Daniel will make them understand. He's good at that. God, I'm tired._

For the next few hours he sat in the dark, staring out the window and waiting for Sam to go to sleep.

It was well after mid-night when Jack opened the door and listened. Quiet as a tomb. He snickered at the bad pun. Barefoot, wearing sweatpants and a tee shirt; the Colonel negotiated the hallway like a minefield, avoiding the squeaky floorboards. Peering through the gloom, he saw Sam's blonde hair shining in the faint glow of a small light in the kitchen. _She's sleeping in my chair again. Sleep tight; don't let the bedbugs bite._

Without a sound, the man slipped through the room and down to the guest bathroom. A dim red night-light was bright enough for Jack to find what he was looking for. Searching through the medicines, he found the little white ovals that he knew were sleeping pills and spilled most of them out into his palm. _Fifteen? Twenty? Enough_. They went into his pocket. He put the bottle back and ghosted his way to the kitchen.

_Now for a couple of beers_. The refrigerator seal made a sucking noise when it released and Jack shot a glance toward Sam. She didn't move. Reaching in, he picked up two bottles, making sure they didn't chime against each other.

The outside door clicked behind him as he stepped onto the deck. Moving around to the side of the garage, he climbed the ladder to his aerie. His stargazing perch built on the roof. The ten foot by ten foot space was a real deck with a redwood floor and railings. His telescope and tripod were stored in the house. Instead, two lawn chairs and a small weatherproof chest occupied the area.

O'Neill put the beer bottles on the floor next to his chair. Getting comfortable, he put on a CD and leaned back to watch the heavenly show. _Nice night for seeing._

He twisted the top off one beer, and in two long swallows, drained it by over three quarters. The pills made 'splash-clink' sounds as they were dropped in the almost empty bottle. He popped the top off the second one, quickly drinking most of that as well, then sitting it back on the floor. Taking the doctored container, he shook it and listened for the clink of unmelted pills. _About right_.

Sighing, the man tipped his head back and stared at the twinkling stars. His right hand hung over the edge of the chair, holding the bottle by the neck and idly swirling the dregs of liquid as he waited.

Gradually Jack's eyes drifted shut and his breathing slowed. The bottle slipped from his fingers to pour the last of its contents through the cracks in the deck. He lay there while the stars continued their uncaring dance over his still form.


	3. Chapter 3

Sam woke up as the first rays of the sun brightened the room. She stretched a little, then snuggled her face back into the chair cushion. If she could stay asleep, she could dream that she was lying in his arms, breathing in his scent and being cuddled. You wouldn't think an Air Force Major would want to be cuddled, but she did.

"God, I love you, Samantha." She didn't imagine that whispered phrase. It wasn't 'Jack the little boy' who kissed her yesterday; it was 'Jack the man'. At one point, right after Daniel left, she actually started to go to his room. The derisive voice of her conscience stopped her. _So, you're going to go down there and jump his bones. While that would, undoubtedly, be quite fun, what about tomorrow? How are you going to explain to him what happened? That you molested a six-year-old boy. Because, despite physical evidence, that's what he is. You're the adult, Sam, act like it._

Now the voice of duty was prodding her. _Get up. You're going to stay asleep all day? You've got a day's worth of chores to get done before noon._

Sam grumbled and pushed herself out of her little nest. Friday was cleaning day. The day the outgoing person made sure the laundry was done and the house was clean for the incoming person. She staggered down to the bathroom and flipped on the light. As she walked by the sink, something hard poked the bottom of her bare foot.

"What the heck," the woman muttered, running her hand across the rug. She got a chill when she realized what the object in her fingers was. One of Jack's sleeping pills. Flinging open the medicine cabinet, she ripped open the bottle. Six pills. There were thirty to start with, and they'd only given Jack five or six in the months since he came home. _Don't panic. Find Jack. Call Daniel. Call 911._

She ran into the bedroom and snatched up the phone. Daniel was #2 on speed dial.

It rang four times before he answered. "Dan'l J'ck's'n," was his muffled greeting.

"Wake up, Daniel. It's me, Sam," she yelled, running to the other end of the house.

"What?" Daniel was a slow starter without his coffee.

"Daniel! It's Jack. He's got sleeping pills and I can't find him. Get over here."

Her answer was the sound of a phone bouncing from the nightstand to the floor and the thud of running feet.

"Colonel," she pounded on his door. No answer. Hurling it open, she did a quick sweep. Not here.

Bathroom – no. Den – no. Living room, kitchen, guest bedrooms, garage. All no. Now she was starting to get frantic. "Where the hell are you, Jack?"

Outside. Not on the deck, not in the yard. _Did he wander off? Is he lying on the street somewhere?_ She looked up to heaven, "Please don't let this be happening."

_Heaven. Up. The roof. The stargazing deck._ Sam galloped across the wet grass to the side of the garage and launched herself up the ladder. She froze at the sight that greeted her on the shadowed platform.

There he was, reclining in his usual stargazing pose.

"Jack?" Sam's voice broke. She cleared her throat and tried again, "Jack!"

He didn't move.

The woman stepped onto the roof deck and stood, trembling. _One more time._ "Colonel, wake up!"

Not even a twitch in response.

Walking the four steps to his side, Sam squatted down to pick up the fallen bottle. _The police aren't going to be happy if you contaminate their crime scene._ Instead, she touched the almost dry residue of liquid still on the wood floor. It was full of the dissolved sleeping pills.

She reached out, brushing her fingers across his hand. _So cold. _Looking at the man laying peacefully in the chair, she noticed how the soft dawn light glinted off the silver in his hair and flowed over his face. It left his closed eyes in shadow but highlighted the gentle smile that curved his lips. _He really does look like he's sleeping._ The sun filtering through the dancing leaves even gave the illusion of breathing.

"I love you too, Jack." Sam pushed the unruly hair back from his forehead and laid the back of her hand lightly against his cheek, feeling the rough stubble of beard but none of the warmth she was praying for. _He shouldn't be that cold._ Fingers that still showed teeth marks hovered over his neck. She closed her eyes and pressed down on the pulse point, knowing there was nothing to find.

A chilled steel band wrapped around her wrist and pulled. Carter's nerves were wound so tight that she shrieked like a fire siren at the contact. Blue eyes met brown for a second. "Jaa…aaahhhh."

There was a confused flurry of motion and the Major ended up being hugged tight against the Colonel's chest. With his arms wrapped around her neck in a choke hold. She couldn't breathe, never mind talk. The world was starting to gray out at the edges as she reacted. Slamming her head back into his face, she jammed an elbow into his side and stomped her heel down on his bare foot.

The combined assault loosened his hold enough that Sam could pull free. She stumbled forward, falling over the chair and crashing into the base of the deck rails.

"Sam. Sam, wake up." Daniel's voice finally penetrated to her dazed brain.

She sat up, blinking her eyes in an attempt to focus on her friend's face. "Dan'l? Wha happen?"

"I don't know. That's what I was going to ask you." He was rummaging in the storage chest and pulled out a roll of paper towels. Tearing a few off, he folded them into a pad and held it to the gash on her forehead. "I heard your scream from the other end of the block. I think I drove through some yards on the way here."

Sam reached up to hold the makeshift bandage to her head and motioned for another towel for her bleeding mouth. "Help me. Shee 'bout Jack," she slurred, nodding toward the opposite side of the deck.

Jack was sprawled in the corner with his shoulders leaning back against the vertical posts. They were a few steps away when he suddenly jerked upright. His head was tilted, eyes squeezed shut and blood streaming unnoticed from his nose.

"Jack." Daniel knelt down next to him.

"Shhh!" The other man held up a hand in a 'stop' gesture.

"Are you …?"

"Shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh." This time both hands were raised.

Sam and Daniel looked at each other helplessly.

"Almost … almost." He was silent for a few seconds more then he began to smile. "I got it. I got it."

Jack opened his eyes and stared past the others. "I got it," he repeated, triumphantly.

"Got what, shir?" Sam was finding it hard to talk.

The Colonel turned his head her way. "Carter? I got it, Carter."

Daniel grabbed his friend's shoulder and shook him. "Jack," he shouted. "Look at me."

"Daniel," he laughed. Then his eyes closed and he groaned, "Ahhgg, God." Both hands came up to his face and cradled his bloody nose. He, too, began to slur his words as his mouth started to swell. "Dan'l? What happened?"

The younger man tipped his head back and spoke to the sky. "Why do THEY keep asking ME?"

"Who ya talk'n to," asked Jack, puzzled.

"Sam? Daniel?" Dr. Fraiser called from the front of the house, "Where are you?"

"Up here, Janet. On the roof deck."

Dr. Fraiser joined them on the, now very crowded, deck. "What happened?" The doctor looked at Daniel as the one who seemed to be the most coherent.

"I have NO idea. I got here to find them in opposite corners looking like … that." He waved his hands at the two warriors.

One could see Dr. Fraiser visibly change gears as she went from being prepared to treat an overdose victim to treating combat injuries. "Call an ambulance."

"NO! No amb'lance," Sam and Jack chorused.

"You have to go to the Emergency Room. You need x-rays."

Jack was insistent, "Inf'rm'ry. No amb'lance."

Janet replaced Sam's makeshift bandage with a real one and packed Jack's nose with gauze. That at least freed up their hands for the ladder.

Daniel acted as a crutch for the other man, who had to hop to Janet's car. They got the injured parties wrapped in blankets and situated in the back seat for the trip to the base. Daniel drove.

Janet leaned over the seat, still trying to assess her patients' conditions. "Colonel, how many pills did you take?"

"Didn't take any." He was getting accustomed to talking around the fat lip. "Drank two beers, though. I fell asleep waiting for the pills to melt."

"Why didn't you answer me when I called, Sir?" Sam was talking better, too. She continued, mystified, "And your body was COLD."

"I'm still cold, Carter." He pulled a hand from under the blanket and laid icy fingers on her face. "I was out there all night. I was listening to music. You know, with those little earplug thingies on."

Dr. Fraiser faced forward; convinced her friends were in no immediate danger.

"Why, Jack?" Daniel asked the question to which they all wanted an answer, "Why would you try to do something so … stupid?"

Embarrassed, he turned toward to the window. It was a few minutes before he answered, almost inaudibly, "I didn't want to need baby sitters for the rest of my life."

"What?" The other passengers yelled, incredulously.

Jack explained what he overheard in the doctor's office. "And that's why I figured it was better to do what I did. What I was gonna do."

Janet whipped around to kneel on the seat. Reaching back, she grasped his chin and forced him to look her in the eye. "Dr. Velkhir is WRONG, Jack. He's totally, completely wrong. You have to believe me," she exclaimed forcefully.

His hands enfolded her smaller one. "I do, Janet. I do … now. I finally got part of the picture."

He huddled back in the blanket before he continued, "What does every puzzle come with?"

"A box?" Sam guessed.

"Close." He confirmed.

Janet piped up. "A box. With a picture on the lid."

"Ex-act-ly!" Jack tapped the side of his head. "My puzzle didn't come with a picture. I didn't know how to put it together. I couldn't make pieces fit."

Daniel interrupted, "That's what you "got", isn't it?"

"Yes. I don't know how big a picture it is or where it belongs … on the box. But, I know what pieces to look for to fill it in." Jack leaned back in the seat with as big a smile as his split lips would allow. "Those pieces will lead to other pieces and … I'll get most of the puzzle together."

* * *

15 September

Janet wants them overnight for observation. Jack's got a broken nose, broken toes, four stitches in his mouth, and bruised ribs. Sam's got a slight concussion, twelve stitches in her forehead, six in her mouth, bruises on her throat and a scrape the full length of her shin. They're both going to have a spectacular set of black eyes.

(Note to self: NEVER surprise Jack when he's sleeping)

Teal'c's off world. Is he in for a surprise when he gets back in the morning.

I offered to replace four lawns, two flower beds, one lamppost, and a small apple tree. I also need a new fender and headlight on my car.

17 September

Yesterday, the 'almost walking wounded' insisted the cookout must go on. They griped that it would be the last one of the season. Janet and I went shopping. Cassie and Teal'c got the house ready. Jack and Sam took naps. Hammond's grand-daughters, Tessa and Kayla, insisted on being 'nurses', at least until the neighborhood kids came over. They all stampeded to the back yard. And went crazy … I think. Then parents started to wander over in search of their kids. We ended up with most of the block there. I'd love to hear the stories going around. Jack and Sam gave everybody a different explanation. All in all, it was quite a blast.

26 September (J O'N)

Daniel gave me this today. He says it's my book. Now that I can read and write I have to keep it up. Reading is easy. Writing is hard. I have to write down things that happen every day. My toes are purple and green and I can't put my shoes on. Sam had to go away for a while. I think I used to go away, too.

28 September

Doctor Day. Dr. Mac isn't so bad, I guess. We talked some more about the stupid thing I tried. I told him why. I don't have to see Dr. V again. Dr. Mac said we can find someone better.

* * *

Daniel was staring out the window, contemplating the few snowflakes floating down when he heard the 'thud' of Jack dropping into the kitchen chair. "Well, its about time," he said sarcastically. "I thought you were going to hibernate for the winter."

The other man snarled and growled, completing the image that his brown robe, shaggy hair and three weeks' growth of beard brought to mind. "I was reading till four o'clock this morning. Got any coffee?"

"Sure. You'll have to get it 'to go' though." Daniel put a large travel mug on the table next to his friend. "We've got a little over an hour to get to the Medical Center on base. You're supposed to meet with Dr. Velkhir's replacement this morning?"

"Oh, crap." Jack flopped forward to rest his forehead on his folded arms lying on the table. "I don't wanna. Do we have to?"

"Yes, we have to. No whining. Get cleaned up and let's go."

The older man lifted his head and glared at Daniel, who glared right back.

"Hey, I told you. You act like a kid, you get treated like a kid."

Jack pushed himself to his feet, picked up his coffee and started to shuffle out of the kitchen. As he passed his friend, he punched him lightly on the shoulder. "Snot," he declared affectionately.

Daniel laughed and called down the hall, 'You might want to think about shaving one of these days."

"Not until spring," came the reply.

Dr. 'Izzy' Isyani was as far away from Dr. Velkhir as was possible and still be in the same profession. Dr. Isyani was young, full of ideas, enthusiasm and optimism.

Jack and Daniel arrived at the office with only moments to spare. They were still brushing the snow from their hair when the doctor came out to meet them.

"Colonel O'Neill, sir," he said, rendering a snappy salute. "Captain Isyani. I'm very pleased to meet you, sir."

Reflexively, Jack returned the salute. "Thank you, Captain … Doctor?" He shook the hand outstretched to him.

"Dr. Jackson. I'm pleased to meet you, as well." The doctor pointed to the comfortable chairs in his waiting room. "If you'd like to hang up your coats? Dr. Jackson, would you wait out here? I need to speak to the Colonel first."

Before Jack could protest, he was in the doctor's office and the door was closed.

"Colonel O'Neill, please, have a seat."

"I'm not 'Colonel' any more, I'm just Jack."

"No, sir. With all due respect, sir. That's where you're wrong," said Dr. Isyani, "You are still Colonel Jonathan J. 'Jack' O'Neill. You just don't know exactly who he is right now. That's where I come in."

O'Neill looked at the young man skeptically and shrugged his shoulders. "I don't understand but, if you say so."

The doctor leaned back in his seat. "You say so, too. Otherwise you wouldn't be here. You would be in an institution somewhere, playing with blocks and toy airplanes." He leaned forward to tap a folder on his desk. "You've made excellent progress in the last five months."

"I'm still doing dumb kid stuff. And I don't remember hardly nothing … anything about ME before."

"Let me ask you this." He pointed to Jack. "Did it make you feel like a kid when I called you 'Sir' and saluted?"

"No." Jack thought for a moment before answering, "That was … normal? Something I expected."

"Right. Something 'Colonel O'Neill' expected from a junior officer." Isyani tapped the folder again. "Over half your life has been spent in the Air Force. That's what's most recent and familiar. We're going to work with that and go backward down the chain from now."

"But, Dr. Fraiser and Dr. MacKenzie told me I had to put the puzzle back together," Jack complained, a little confused.

"Why a puzzle?"

"With a puzzle, I can get a picture. Then I find more pieces that fit on the edges."

The doctor nodded in understanding, then proposed, "OK, let's try this. We're going to have different parts of the picture. That way, when you find a piece that doesn't fit one place, it might fit somewhere else."

Jack started to smile. "Yeah. When the parts get big enough, it'll be easier to know where the pieces fit."

Dr. Isyani smiled too. "Exactly right." He bent over the desk and said quietly, "Will you do something for me when you come back on Thursday?"

* * *

12 October

I surprised Daniel so good this morning. He spilled some of his coffee on the floor. I wore my uniform today. Not the really cool looking one with all the ribbons and stuff, but the every day one. Dr. Izzy asked me to. I even knew how to put the pins on. I had to shave and get my hair cut. It's a lot longer than before so I can hide the scars. People stare too much.

The guard at the gate let us in right away. He knows us but today he saluted and said, "Colonel, sir." Daniel let me out at the door. He said he would wait in the lobby for me to get done. People still stared, mostly ladies. Dr. Fraiser just kept smiling the whole time I was there. She says I'll always limp a little bit because my toes are funny now. My black eyes are almost gone, just 'greeny'. Gloria showed me the way to Dr. Izzy's office. She says the ladies stared because I was 'dashing'. I have to ask Daniel about that. I wonder if Sam likes 'dashing'?

Dr. Izzy and Dr. Mac want me to go to school. I don't think I'll like it. Teal'c can come with me for the first day, then I have to go alone.

16 October

I started school today. T had to talk to the teachers. I had to do that before, for the boy in the picture. Why can't I remember him? I think I'm afraid to remember him.

20 October

Happy Birthday to me. Teal'c called it my double birthday. He said it was a year ago today that I got hurt. Sam and Daniel are coming over tonight. I get to pick where we go for dinner and the movies we get for after.

I didn't think school would be this hard. I did it once already. I feel sorry for some of the people. They'll never get better. I just have to put together my puzzle. They don't even have the pieces anymore.

26 October

I don't think Sam likes 'dashing'. She started crying and went to her bedroom when I came to the kitchen this morning. On the way to the doctor, I asked Daniel why. He said it was really complicated and I should ask Sam. Dr. Izzy taught me 'hip-no-sis' today. It's a way to help me remember.

* * *

There were no cars in the drive when Jack arrived home after school. Andy, one of the teachers who lived a few blocks away, gave him a ride home at night. Now that they didn't have to be with him constantly, Sam, Daniel or Teal'c went into the SGC to work every day.

"Daniel still doesn't have his car back, I see," observed Andy, noticing that the truck was missing.

Jack leaned over the seat to get the small duffel bag that held his uniform. He always changed into a civilian shirt and jacket before arriving at school. "No, not yet," he answered, "When they took it apart to fix the fender, they found something else wrong. Now they're arguing about it."

"Is somebody going to be home soon?" The teacher asked; concerned that one of his charges would be left alone.

The other man leaned back in the open car door. "Sure. Sam should be here in a little bit. She gets real busy and forgets the time sometimes." He pulled a key out of his pocket. "I'll be fine. Thanks, Andy."

Jack made 'shooing' motions at the teacher who continued to sit in the drive even after the front door was unlocked and he was in the house.

A timed light in the living room clicked on as he walked through to the kitchen. A note on the counter told him, "Put the blue dish in the oven and turn it on to 350. I'll be home about 7:00." Jack checked the clock, 5:10. He had time to practice Dr. Izzy's lesson.

Since the doctor told him to be as comfortable as possible, Jack changed into an old plaid flannel shirt, sweatpants and moccasins. Taking three pictures off his 'memory board', he went to sit at the desk in his den. The photographs were laid out carefully, the figures on each getting a feathery fingertip caress. _Me, Sara, and … and … the boy. He's the key; I know it. If I can just get this memory loose. The others are trapped behind it._

Awkwardly at first, Jack started the breathing exercises and soon arrived at a smooth rhythm that relaxed his tense muscles. Even though his eyes were closed he could still see the images. Slowly he felt himself slip beneath the skin of the man in the picture.

_A shot! Sara and I are outside when we hear the report echo from our bedroom window. We run upstairs and yank open the door. Oh God! Charlie? Charlie! There's so much blood. How can all that come from one little boy? Sara's on the phone calling 911. I kneel down and carefully turn my son over. "A gunshot wound to the right chest," I shout. Sara repeats it to the operator. I'm trying to stop the bleeding but I can't._

_There are sirens outside and other people coming upstairs. The medics take Charlie away from me. They look very grim. Sara goes with them in the ambulance. The police won't let me leave yet. They have some questions. Questions about the gun; my gun. My gun that is usually locked up. Except today. Today, because I was in a hurry to give Charlie a new baseball mitt. Today, when I just put it on the very back of the top shelf of the closet, where only I can reach. Unless you're a determined ten year old standing on a wobbly chair._

_I get to the hospital in time to have the doctor tell us, "We did everything we could. I'm sorry, your son is dead."_

_A month later and I still can't believe it. The police ruled it an accidental shooting, but I know better. I can't bear to go into that room. I sit on Charlie's bed all day. I've got the gun back and I'm wondering if he'll be mad at me. If they even let me into heaven, will Charlie want to see me? My finger is tightening on the trigger. A fraction of an inch more, then everything will go away. Just a little more. The flash of the discharge blinds me…_

"Jack? Dinner's ready." Sam flipped on the light switch by the door. "Why are you sitting here in the dark?"

Jack jumped up out of the chair, tipping it over. He reeled into the corner with his hands over his face; almost able to feel the powder burns from the gun. Screaming from the psychic pain, the man huddled on the floor, rocking back and forth.

Sam darted across the room and skidded to stop by him. Dropping to her knees, she took his wrists and dragged his hands down. "Jack! Jack! What is it?"

She took his face between her palms, turning him toward the light to see if he was injured. "C'mon, Jack. Talk to me. Are you hurt?"

He started to keen as he rocked faster and faster. "Charlie! He's gone. He's dead and it's my fault," he choked out raggedly. "Charlie. God, he's just a baby. Don't take our baby. Please. Don't … don't."

Sam pulled Jack to her side and let the freshly grief-stricken parent cry out his desolation in the circle of her arms.

It was hours later before she could get O'Neill to respond to anything. Once the tears stopped, he was almost catatonic. He sat with his arms wrapped tightly around his legs; head bowed on his knees, shivering like he was freezing.

Sam tucked a blanket around the forlorn figure of her friend and waited. She was about to call Janet for help when he lifted his head to stare blankly across the room.

"Jack?" The woman tilted his chin up to make him look at her and asked, "Do you hear me, Jack? Can you stand up for me?" She could see his eyes focus as he sluggishly blinked and nodded.

They made their stumbling way across the hall to the bedroom. Leaving him in the bathroom, slowly moving the wet washcloth over his face, Sam found some dry clothes and laid them on the bed.

Jack wandered into the room and stood in the middle of the floor, shivering in clothes more soaked than before. He fumbled at the shirt's buttons for a moment then let his hands drop to hang loosely by his sides.

"Do you want me to help?" Sam spoke soothingly, as though to a scared child. An insolent little sprite piped up in her head, "Y_ou finally get to undress him." _The rest of her mind squashed it flat.

Jack was cooperative at least and it didn't take long before he was wearing a dry sweat suit and his warm brown robe. He followed Sam into the kitchen and sat at the table, pushing the plate away and leaning his elbows in its place.

She kept up a steady stream of chatter, trying to get some response from the dazed man. "You need to get something hot in you. I don't think coffee is such a good idea. How about one of Teal'c's teas? Do you like this kind?"

A shrug was his only answer before he went back to staring at the tabletop. Five minutes later the sweet scent of the honey-laced mint tea was filling the kitchen. Jack curled his fingers around the heavy mug and tipped his head to take a few deep breaths of the fragrant steam before he began to drink with quick little sips. When it was gone, he pushed the mug toward Sam and barely whispered, "Please."

The second serving was taken into the living room. Jack settled on the couch, leaning back and putting his feet on the coffee table. He rested the warm mug on his chest, keeping it cradled in still trembling fingers.

"Jack," Sam said.

Without moving, he rolled his eyes her way.

"I'm going to clean up the kitchen. Will you be OK here for a while?" she asked, concerned about leaving him with the hot tea precariously balanced.

"Uh-huh," he murmured, sitting up enough to drink some more of the relaxing liquid.

When she came back fifteen minutes later, the mug was almost empty and the man was making wheezing noises as he tried to sleep with his head tipped too far back. Sam winced at the sight of the kink in his neck and gingerly slid a pillow between him and the wall. She took the mug from his slack grip, placing it on the shelf separating the rooms before she sat down. _I can't believe it's two in the morning._

Sam barely heard the alarm clocks sounding off and the drumming of rain on the roof lulled her back to sleep without much trouble.

_I love this chair. I wonder if I can trade him a new one for this._ Sam turned her face and tried to burrow into the cushion. _It smells right, but it doesn't feel right._ Only then did she realize the cushion was slowly moving and she could hear its heartbeat. Flustered, the woman tried to sit up, disturbing the blanket that had been pulled over her sometime in the night.

A gentle barrier tightened across her shoulders and she could feel the vibrations more than hear the words, "Don't go, Sam."

She opened one eye to see the clock on the wall. _Ten o'clock. To hell with it._ Hitching herself a little higher on the couch, she snuggled back down.

"You twisted my arm," the woman muttered, draping that appendage over the warm body next to her and floating back to sleep on the smooth rise and fall of her pillow.

"I have no idea what could be wrong, Teal'c," Daniel said as he unlocked Jack's front door. "Sam's cell must have a dead battery. But, they should have answered the house phone by now, we've been leaving messages for the last two hours."

He opened the door about a foot and stuck his head in. "Hello? Sam? Jack? Anybody?"

Teal'c swung the door wide and pushed Daniel in the house. "We will investigate."

They were three steps into the living room before the two men realized that the blanket tossed on the end of the couch had feet. Two sets of feet propped up on the coffee table. It also had two heads. Jack's was resting on top of Sam's, which was lying against his collarbone.

The intruders looked at each other in surprise.

"Hellooooo," Daniel shouted tentatively, not about to approach within arm's reach. "Uh, guys?"

"Go away," answered the sleepy chorus from the couch. A few seconds later both sets of eyes popped open. "Daniel?" "Teal'c?" Their voices overlapped.

"Yes," he confirmed. Gesturing over his shoulder toward the door, he asked, "Do you want us to … uh … go out? And … come back in?"

"That won't be necessary," Sam said, flinging the blanket off to show that they were both fully dressed. "We fell asleep, that's all."

She slid away from Jack, pulling her arm out from behind him and dropping her feet to the floor. After quickly folding the blanket, she laid it on the back of the couch and went toward the kitchen. "Do you guys want some coffee?"

"Sure," Jack answered, standing up. He collapsed back to his seat and hastily pulled his head between his knees. "Oh, crap," he groaned.

Teal'c knelt down next to him. "What is wrong, O'Neill?"

"No food, no pills," was the indistinct reply.

"Damn," exclaimed Carter, checking the clock. "It's one o'clock, Sir. You've missed three sets."

"Daniel," she ordered, pouring a glass of orange juice and handing it to him, "Give him any of the morning and noon ones he can take on an empty stomach."

She continued in a low tone, "And call Janet. See if we have to double the seizure meds, it's been over twenty-four hours since he's had any."

Daniel came back from the bedroom to find them both eating peanut butter toast and drinking coffee. At Sam's questioning look, he shook his head 'no'.

"So," Jack said as he saw this exchange, "Fraiser doesn't think I'm going to start foaming at the mouth, curl up and blow away, does she?"

"No, but she is going to stop by later and check you over just to be safe."

"Wonderful," he observed ruefully. He stood slowly, as if checking his balance before starting to walk. "Carter, tell 'em what happened, would you?"

"O'Neill, what is it you require?" Teal'c also rose and stepped in front of the other man to stop him.

"T, what I need right now, no one can get for me." He sidestepped the Jaffa and made his wavering way down the hall, one hand against the wall for safekeeping. "I'm fine."

"We'll listen for the thud," Daniel called encouragingly.

* * *

27 October

Sam and I made a special visit to Dr. Mac and Dr. Izzy today. Dr. Mac talked to me about Charlie and what happened to him. It still hurts like hell, but I lived through it before and I can do it again. Dr. Izzy showed me how to not remember quite so hard. He made me practice with him. This way works better.

2 November

I was right. Fighting to not remember Charlie was keeping other stuff locked up. I have some of the good things about 'before' back. Things about Sara and Charlie, fun things. I saw Sara outside the store today. I told her I remembered. She hugged me and we talked about Charlie and cried a little. I think that's why she doesn't come over.

3 November

This is very confusing. I remember things from before Charlie … died … and from after. Baseball games, hockey games, fishing, him being born. Then I know what happened after. How I didn't care if I came home from Abydos. Daniel and another boy made me care. I can see the other boy, but I don't know him. Something bad happened to him, too. Why do bad things happen to people I care about?

5 November

Skaara – his name is Skaara. He's Sha're's brother. Daniel's brother-in-law. I know why I know Daniel, and Sam and Teal'c. We work together. We used to, at least. I don't have all of it. Where are Sha're and Skaara? I'll get it sometime, I know.

24 November

School starts its Thanksgiving break tomorrow. I don't think I'm going to be coming here much longer. I end up helping the teachers more and more. They seem to appreciate it and it makes me feel good. My friend, Jim, started talking today. I saw Dr. Izzy this morning and, since I always wear my uniform when I come to the base, I was still wearing it when I got to school. I wanted to get there early because we were having a party and I was helping. Jim saw me changing my shirt. He stood up, saluted and called me 'Colonel'. That's the first thing he's said in a year. Jim was a fighter pilot until his plane was shot down. He only wants to talk to me right now, but he's finally talking. Did S, D & T feel like this when I started talking again?

(I knew I was making a mistake learning to read again. I keep getting stuck with grocery shopping.)

22 December

I won't be going back to the 'special' school in January. Well, I will. But only to say goodbye. Izzy wants me to start … High School … again. I don't think I liked it much the first time. At least this trip, I won't be distracted by going out for sports or chasing girls. We had to laugh when I brought up the fact that I'm older than the teachers. Izzy says this is more to refresh my memory than teach me this stuff. I'm picking up my 'puzzle pieces' faster and faster. This will give me a place to put them.

4 January

Alone at last, almost. Daniel is the last 'baby sitter' I'm going to have. When we're done at the doctor today, he's going home. I have to catch the **bus** to High School on Monday. I'm going to get arrested as a child stalker if I wait at the damn bus stop. As it was Daniel and I had to go to school Wednesday so I could introduce myself to the staff and bus drivers. How embarrassing. I really want my driver's license back.

10 January

I'm finding I miss the company of my 'baby sitters'. It's almost too quiet here. I have to start setting two alarm clocks again. Have you ever tried to be nonchalant walking up to a school bus that's waiting for you? I'm glad these are kids I knew before. They only razzed me a little.

9 February

I've got my license back!!! I skipped school (old habits die hard), and got Jeanette, Billy's mother, to take me to the Testing station. Passed it on the first try. The damn thing expired the year before last, otherwise I wouldn't have needed to re-test. That was probably on my 'things to do' list the day we came back.

* * *

Halfway up the mountain road to the SGC, Jack pulled off into an emergency stopping area. Not because he had car trouble, but because he knew that there was a path leading to an overlook with the most breathtaking view. He tucked the truck as far out of the way as possible and left a note on the window just in case the police came by. It was a sparkling clear night, so cold he could hear the snow creak as he walked the trail. At the end, he leaned against the rock that, in warmer weather, was used as a bench. The mountain towns, with their spill of lights, flowed down into the valleys to make a glowing pool of humanity. But, Jack's eyes were on the sky. The wash of the Milky Way, the faint gleam of the Orion Nebula, and the thousands of other stars to which he would never travel.

_How many of those have I visited? I'll have to ask Carter. I only remember about thirty. There has to be a lot more in all these years. I wonder if Hammond will let me read my mission reports. Do I still have clearance to read my own reports? Damn, do I have clearance to get in the Mountain without an escort? I've had a baby sitter for so long._

Jack pulled out his newly issued driver's license and read the statistics. Height: 6'2", weight: 190 lbs, eyes: brown, hair: gray.

He sighed. "A sure sign you're getting old, fella. The DMV lists your hair as 'gray'. At least you still have hair," he said, running a hand through it and feeling the narrow tracks of the scars on his scalp.

_Hell, you old bastard, you should be grateful you're able to complain about gray hair. If it weren't for your friends not giving up, you'd be stringing beads on shoelaces and eating Froot Loops with your fingers. How many people can say they have "parents" younger than they are?_

Jack could feel his eyelashes start to ice up. "Oh, for crying out loud. Stop it," he ordered. "Grown men don't cry. Get your ass in gear before you're late and end up chasing Daniel back down the mountain." He started back to the truck.

_Grown men don't cry. I've come a long way since I looked in the mirror that night and tried to convince myself. Close to a third of my life is back. I'll get the rest, sooner or later. Some pieces are probably better off left face down. If they turn over, I'll deal with them. Somehow I think I'll sleep better at night, not knowing the details. What's on the edges of those 'pictures' is bad enough. _

* * *

2 March

George pulled some strings and got my clearances back. It ruined my surprise when I had to get an escort into the SGC. The gate guard reported to the General that I was on the way down. SOP. I wanted to stroll in and see how long it took for folks to realize I was there without having to get a ride. I never realized I knew that many people here. I couldn't put names to all of them. Nothing new, I couldn't do that before. Just being there, in the SGC, flipped over quite a few pieces of the puzzle. I'm staying in VIP quarters this weekend, reading reports. SG-1 is supposed to be back later today. I'm going to meet them in the Gateroom.

5 March

I got promoted today. I'm a Junior in High school. Woo-hoo. This is so odd. Some of these kids were on Charlie's little league team. Now we're classmates. I was asked to the Spring Fling … as a chaperone. They did tell me I could bring a date from 'outside' though. I can't imagine Sam at a high school dance.

24 March

My foot is killing me, but last night was worth every twinge. I wish I had that much fun at a dance when I was in high school. Although what passes for dancing now ... wow. They didn't have a live band, so I took some CD's from home. By the end of the night, we were giving dance lessons to the kids.

18 May

I was looking forward today to going to the Medical Center on base and rubbing Dr. Velkhir's nose in his mistaken prognosis. I couldn't help it; I wore my Dress Blues with all the fruit salad. I gave him a copy of my 'new' High School Diploma and I thought the crabby old bastard was going to cry as he put two and two together. He actually got up and hugged me. We spent the whole hour talking. As it turns out, he's getting ready to retire. He told me that my case was the last straw. That's when he decided that he couldn't take dealing with some of the Air Force's best officers coming to him with their minds 'melted down'. When Mac told him what happened that afternoon, he quit taking new patients. Izzy ended up with quite a few including Jim, my friend from school. Al wants me to let him know when I get my college degree.

* * *

"Ding-dong. Ding-dong. Ding-dong. Ding-dong." The front doorbell went crazy.

"Oh for crying out loud, I'm coming, I'm coming already," Jack shouted as he dropped the handful of papers on the kitchen table. His portable safe was sitting on a chair and its contents were arranged in small piles around the room.

"Ding-do…grk." The bell died a painful death as he flung open the door to find Teal'c holding the ripped out push button.

"It seems to have malfunctioned, O'Neill," he said, handing it delicately to Jack by the single wire.

"Ya think?" He looked in the hole to see half the wiring intact.

"Sorry, Jack. It stuck when I held it down." Daniel admitted sheepishly.

"You do know, most people push these things … once?" They all stepped in the house.

"I just wanted to make sure you knew we were here. After all, the last time we walked in unannounced…"

Jack swung around and threw his hands in the air. "You're never going to let us forget that, are you?"

Daniel looked to be in deep thought for a moment before answering brightly, "Um …nope. Not at all. Got any coffee?"

"Blackmailer. Over there." Jack began to hastily rearrange the stacks of papers. He wasn't fast enough.

The black leather presentation books caught Teal'c's eye. He picked one up and flipped it open. "What are these, O'Neill?"

"Don't read … that." He made a futile grab for the book.

"You are a Master of Astronomy? How can one master the stars?"

"A Masters?" Daniel swept the other folders out from under his friend's hands. "A Bachelors in Astronomy; to go with the Masters of course. What else have you been hiding?"

After a cursory knock, Sam breezed in the door. "Sir, do you know that your doorbell…?"

She stopped in astonishment to see Jack and Daniel dodging from side to side around the kitchen table. "What the heck?"

"Jack's got college degrees he doesn't want us to see." His foot slipped on a loose paper and his opponent caught him by the collar and wound an arm around his neck. "Gagh, gagh. He's killing me," Daniel wheezed.

Sam and Teal'c looked on in amusement as the other two carried on.

Daniel, still clutching the presentation folders to his chest, gave one last theatrical gasp and let his knees buckle.

Jack unconcernedly dropped the other man to the floor. "You want some coffee, Carter?"

"Sure," she answered, stepping over the body to get a coffee cup.

"I'll take one, too." Daniel sat up and started reading the certificates, laying them on the floor when he was done. "Bachelors in History. Bachelors in Aeronautical Engineering. Oh, a Masters in History, too. Bachelors in Anthropology? Really?"

He hefted the last one, bigger than the rest. "And did I hit the jackpot with this one? Yes. It's a Ph.D. in … Military History and Tactics. From the War College, no less."

Standing up, he clicked his heels and executed a textbook salute. "Colonel Doctor O'Neill, sir. Permission to drink your coffee, sir?"

Jack ignored him and poured Sam a cup. "I have some donuts here someplace, if you want one."

Walking around the statue in his kitchen, Jack told him, "You don't have to salute unless we're in uniform."

'Oh. Well, in that case." Daniel strolled to the counter for his coffee and donut.

"So, why the act? Oops, sorry." The blob of jelly was quickly wiped from the floor.

"Oh come on, Daniel. You had to have guessed something. I didn't get this far because I look good in the uniform. Carter knew," he paused, "that I had a degree or two. It's a matter of record. Or didn't you check, Carter?"

"Uh, I missed the Aeronautical Engineering and Anthropology. I only searched for advanced degrees."

"Back to my original question," Daniel persisted, "Why the act?"

Jack collected the folders and put them on the counter. "It was your jobs to take care of the science. It was my job to concentrate on getting our asses back home in one piece. If I was doing," he did the finger moves that signified quotation marks, "science stuff … I wasn't fulfilling my primary responsibility. Carter understands."

"Oh. Yes, sir." She smiled ruefully and patted her own shoulder. "It's a whole different ball game when the buck stops here."

"Indeed. A commander cannot pursue his own interests at the expense of his subordinates well being."

All the while, Jack was gathering his documents and replacing most of them in the safe.

Still curious, Daniel asked, "Why are you going through your strongbox at 8:00am on a Friday morning? I thought we were leaving for Minnesota?"

"You got here on time. I didn't expect to still be doing this when you did get here." He bundled up the certificates and some other papers and put them on top of every thing else. The safe's door clanked shut and Jack spun the dial to lock it.

"The Academy needs some of my records," he explained.

"Don't they have your records already? You must have graduated," Daniel asked, confused.

"I never attended the Air Force Academy. Lowly enlisted men can qualify for OTS, you know. Officer Training School. The degrees are from civilian colleges." He picked up the safe and carried it to the den.

"Why do they need your records, sir?" They all followed him.

"I can't very well go to the administration of the University of Colorado and explain any of this, can I? I'm trying to work out a deal with the Commandant to let me take the classes I need to re-qualify for my degrees. It'll keep me busy after I retire." Jack stepped into his bedroom and slung his already packed duffel bag over his shoulder. "We ready to go?"

* * *

10 August

I met with the Commandant today. I'm set to start classes on Monday. He did insist on one condition; I have to wear a cadet uniform. The cadets and some of the instructors would be too distracted by a senior Colonel in their classes. Since it's QUITE obvious I'm the wrong age for a cadet, they're going to be distracted for a while anyway.

13 August

I've been there one day and got gigged. I didn't salute a Captain out on the Commons. I'll give him credit, he didn't back down when I turned around and he realized I wasn't one of the run-of-the-mill cadets. The expression on his face, priceless. But, since he had an audience by then, he had to put me on report. It's been a while since I had to stand at 'Attention' for that long.

31 August

It's official. Tomorrow I'll be a retired Colonel. And this time they CANNOT re-activate me. It's a medical retirement. I'll be subject to seizures for the rest of my life, thanks to that damn outlaw Jaffa and his zat. What really pisses me off; I'll never be able to fly again. I'm going to work on the Flight Surgeon to give me clearance to fly second seat once in a while.

They're planning a retirement ceremony at the SGC tonight. I would have preferred a barbecue but, Hammond let me in on a secret the other day. Carter's getting promoted. I can't miss that.

* * *

Major Carter paced around her quarters, nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. She was waiting until the very last minute to go to the Gateroom where the Colonel's retirement ceremony was being held. Only General Hammond and her knew what was going to happen tonight. She was petrified that if she saw SG-1 or worse, Jack, she would spill the beans. Already Daniel, Janet, Teal'c and Jack had knocked on her door, only to leave disappointed because she didn't answer.

Sam looked at her watch, took a deep breath and blew it out in one long exhale, trying to lose some of the tension. She eyed her shaking hands. "Well, that didn't work. It'll all be over soon. You can do it, Major."

Briskly walking to the Gateroom, she arrived with a minute to spare.

Daniel gave her a sidelong glance as she slipped into her place next to Colonel O'Neill, but didn't have time for a comment.

General Hammond stepped behind the podium and began speaking. "We are gathered here this evening to honor one of our own. Colonel Jack O'Neill has had a long and exemplary career in the service of the United States Air Force and, more importantly, the service of his country. He has seen action in most of the major terrestrial conflicts of our time and in this, the most critical conflict in which the human race has ever been engaged. He was involved in the Stargate project from the beginning and in the creation of the Stargate Command. He and the rest of SG-1 have played vital roles in many of our greatest victories. It is with great professional, and heartfelt personal, respect and regret that I wish him," he turned to face Jack and held out his hand, "Happy Retirement."

O'Neill, looking a little overwhelmed, shook the General's hand. Muttering, "Screw protocol," he pulled George into a warm embrace.

The General stayed behind the podium as Jack started over to give his speech. "Not yet, Colonel. There's one more thing,"

"Attention!" He reached down and picked up the small box sitting on the shelf. "Major, if you please?"

Carter took the box as Hammond began to speak again. "By order of the President of the United States, from the Chief-of-Staff of the United States Air Force, in recognition of Colonel O'Neill's outstanding career, I hereby authorize his immediate promotion to the rank of Brigadier General."

Jack looked totally dumbfounded as he stepped forward. General Hammond on one side and Major Carter on the other removed the eagles from his shoulders and replaced them with a star.

Hammond continued as they were working, "The United States Air Force has recognized that you have fulfilled the tasks and duties well beyond the responsibilities of the rank of Colonel. It is with very great pleasure that I bestow upon you the responsibilities, respect and the rank of Brigadier General."

The whole room erupted in applause and cheers.

"Congratulations, Jack. General." Hammond shook his hand again and they saluted each other.

Carter was grinning so widely you'd think her face would split. "Gotcha … General," she shook his hand and saluted.

Daniel gave him a hug and even Teal'c unbent enough to embrace his friend.

The room quieted down as, now, General O'Neill stepped up to the podium. "I'm going to get you," he promised, looking at the beaming members of SG-1.

"I'm normally a man of few words, and … those few words have flown the coop." His audience tried to stifle their laughter as he kept going. "I don't recall a single bit of the speech I was going to make. I will tell you that it has been a high honor and privilege to serve with each and every one of you. Thank you."

"I do have one last, very pleasant, duty to perform." The eagles from his uniform were on the podium. Picking them up, he bounced them lightly in his hand. "Attention! From the Vice Chief-of-Staff of the United States Air Force, in recognition of Major Carter's outstanding service, I hereby authorize her immediate promotion to the rank of Colonel."

Jack gestured to the place by his side, "Major, please step forward."

Daniel had to poke her in the ribs before she moved. "Go on, they're waiting."

When she did, the two Generals began to remove the oak leaves on her shoulders as Jack finished the announcement. "The United States Air Force has recognized that you have fulfilled the tasks and duties beyond the responsibilities of the rank of Major. It is with very great pleasure that I bestow upon you the responsibilities, respect and the rank of Colonel." They pinned Jack's old eagles onto her uniform.

She shook Hammond's hand, then saluted. "Thank you, sir."

Jack chuckled, "Gotcha … Colonel." They shook hands and saluted. Before she could leave, he said," Screw protocol. I'm retired," and swept her into a bear hug.

As the rest of the SGC applauded and cheered, Daniel and Teal'c joined them in the hug.

* * *

5 September

Carter had to go to her brother's this weekend. They took advantage of the long weekend to have a family get together to celebrate her niece's thirteenth birthday. I was hoping to talk to her before she left but, she had a crack-of-dawn flight and I missed her. We're all supposed to go out to dinner tonight to celebrate. Her promotion; my retirement. I asked Daniel and Teal'c to be here about 6:00. Sam's coming over around 4:00.

Jack's classes were done for the day at noon. Singing along to the music on the radio, he changed clothes and started repairing his ripped out doorbell.

Two hours later, after having to fish new wiring down from the attic, he put the finishing touch on his project. As he was bending over to pick up his tools, he felt the warning twinge of a headache coming on.

"Damn, not again. I don't need this today." This was the sixth headache he'd had in the last two weeks. _Stress. It's got to be stress._ The pain faded as he continued to clean up, putting the tools in the garage and sweeping the porch. Going back into the house, he checked his watch. _3:15 - more than enough time to get cleaned up._

As Jack pulled off his filthy tee shirt, the ache at the back of his neck started again. It only got worse when he leaned over to take off his boots. Shirtless and barefoot, he went into the bathroom. Pouring three tablets in his hand, he popped them in his mouth and swallowed them dry.

The phone started ringing and it took him a minute to remember that the handset was in the kitchen. He caught his shoulder on the door jam on his way to the hall and grumbled, "Why is it so dark in here?"

Jack was three steps along the hallway when the dizziness struck. Slapping his hands against the opposite walls, he tried to hold himself steady. His palms slowly slid down the plaster as his suddenly wobbly legs refused to support him. Balanced on his hands and knees on the floor, the man fought to stay conscious as the tremors of a seizure began to shake his body. _Oh crap! I haven't had one of these in a year. Please, don't do this. Not today._

A white-hot burst of pain exploded at the base of his skull and enveloped him in agony. His arms buckled and he fell; half on his side with his face pressed against the rough carpet. The fire in his head began to fade but he couldn't move. Jack could taste the blood in his mouth and feel the scratchy texture of the rug against his face and chest, but even those small discomforts soon surrendered to the encroaching darkness.

* * *

It was almost five o'clock when Colonel Carter paid off the taxi in O'Neill's driveway. She'd tried calling Jack to tell him her flight out of Edwards AFB was delayed by an hour, but got no answer. When the plane landed, she was forty-five minutes late to meet him already and went straight to his house. He could give her a ride home after dinner. Or not. She shivered in anticipation of that option.

She paused a moment to rub the cuffs of her rumpled jacket over the silver eagles on her shoulders. _I wouldn't want him to think I wasn't taking care of them_. Picking up her bag, the woman went to ring the doorbell. Laughing, she read the small placard out loud, "Push button ONCE, release. Do not repeat."

She rang the bell, once, as ordered. There was no answer. She knocked. Still no answer. Finally she tried the door and, finding it open, Sam came into the entry and dropped her bag to the floor. "Jack? You here? It's Sam," she called loudly. Only silence answered.

Walking through the kitchen, she checked the back deck then walked over to the ladder leading to the stargazing platform. The woman climbed far enough to see that it was unoccupied as well. _Where the hell can he be? The truck is still here._

Sam re-entered the house, closing the front door behind her. This time, as she went toward the kitchen, she glanced down the hall. The ghostly splotch in the dim hallway captured her gaze. Horrified, the woman picked out the gleam of Jack's silver hair and pale form silhouetted against the dark carpet.

Collapsing to her knees next to him, she reached out and touched his shoulder, lightly shaking him. "Jack?" Her voice quivered apprehensively.

"Jack," she shouted, pulling at his arm. The woman started shuddering with dread as she gingerly rolled him over to lie motionless against her legs. "Jaaackk!" she wailed, "No. God, don't do this."

She lovingly touched his face, her fingers tracing the blood that had run from his ears and nose to trail along his jaw and across his mouth. Futilely she tried to wipe it away, but it was already dry. She whispered, "Don't do this, please. Not now."

Still too numb to cry, Sam tugged Jack's body onto her lap, staring into his half open eyes. Those beautiful brown eyes. Eyes that could be hard as coal or as soft and sweet as warm melted chocolate. They would never make her melt again.

Grabbing a fistful of his hair, she pulled her face down to rest against his. It was the taste of his blood on her mouth when she kissed his cold lips that burst the dam holding back her grief.

Sam sat in the dark hallway, hugging Jack's silent form tightly, trying vainly to keep him warm and with her. Her tears washed the blood from his face as she sobbed and cursed a god who could deliver such a cruel blow.

When Daniel and Teal'c arrived, Sam was still sitting there, nothing left to cry, her pale blue uniform shirt stained rusty red, her cheek resting against the top of Jack's head.

Teal'c's Jaffa reserve finally cracked. His face glistened with his soundless sorrow as he knelt and tenderly cupped Jack's head in his strong hand.

Daniel sat on the floor in front of the others. Leaning over, he put his arms around them and added his tears to the cleansing. _He fought so hard. They came so close. It's not fair._

SG-1 sat into the night mourning their loss. Their comrade, their friend, their brother.

Finis

Created on 1/25/2006 16:48:00 a1/p1

© 2004 Jynjyr (Kay E. Kucharik)


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